What if it Hurts?

What if it Hurts?

I call myself a writer, 

but I rarely pick up the pen. 

From time-to-time, my fingers 

flirt with the keys of my 

keyboard.

The relationship never lasts long. 

I call myself a lover, 

but I don’t date often. 

Once, with no expectations.

Twice, with hopeful eyes, 

then a dreadful good-bye.

Three times and it gets hard 

to swallow the fact that

relationships don’t often last long. 

I call myself a writer, 

but I rarely pick up the pen. 
       I rarely tap into that place

deep in my soul 

that houses the demons,
       I fought so hard to bury. 

The things we deem unbearable, 

possessing the capability

to defeat us, 

are the things that get buried deep. 

I, for one, am reluctant to 

stir the dust, 

and bring the demons 

to the surface.

What if it hurts?

What if I can’t bear to 

confront the beast 

face-to-face?

What if he takes me down?

What if I lose?

What if it hurts?

So I don’t touch the pen.

Instead, I avoid it like the plague.

As if the mere touch of it 

would burn my skin, 

forcing me to live among the demons. 

What if it hurts?

I call myself a lover, 

but I don’t date often. 

I have to much to lose, 

because I’ll give it all. 

I can’t love with half 

of my heart, 

and sometimes I fall to soon.

I can’t stay guarded 

I have too much hope

that there is something beautiful

out there waiting for me. 

I’ve fallen, and I’ve been burned. 

I’ve loved, and I’ve lost. 

I fought, and I lost. 

I built guards, and I broke them down. 

I put them back up, and took a step back.

What if it hurts?

Dear Brianna

**A letter addressed to my younger self, from the future. 

To Brianna, age 9

From Brianna, age 19**

Dear Brianna, 

I know you are young and impressionable. I know you think these years may be the hardest of your life, but you are still pure, unscathed from the harshness that presents itself in the real world. You are young, but aware of your standing on every matter in the world. You are stubborn, which contrary to the belief of your friends, family, and teachers, is not a bad thing. Protect yourself and guard your stubborn ways, like I am confident that you will. 

You were born with a voice for a reason, don't be scared to use it. Speak up and let your voice be heard. Don't let the world silence you, the fight to tune you out, is a fight that will never cease. Fight back.

 You may choose to pretend like you have no fears, but I know that you do. You have many, and that to me is a beautiful thing. You must live in spite of these fears, and do what scares you the most. This is what initiates growth. Fear keeps you raw and vulnerable, fighting them makes you strong. You are a warrior in the making. Facing your fears is the only surefire way of not being afraid. 

So much time is spent focusing on what others think about you. Worrying about what others are doing, thinking, or saying is putting your life on hold, allowing others to live your life for you. As soon as you learn to let this go, your life begins. Take control of the reigns, and live life in whatever way makes you feel the most alive. Don't apologize for it, and make no attempt to validate your existence to anyone. What other people think of you is none of your business. Becoming preoccupied with these things will only create issues, that most of the time don't actually exist. Let it go.

Never seek validation from a man. When you live life unapologetically, the man of your dreams will come to you, and accept you the way you are. Don't conform, don't adapt, and don't settle, just be you. You are enough the way that you are right now. If the man doesn't acknowledge that, keep walking. 

Don’t look over your shoulder. 

Time is precious, but no matter how busy you think you are, always make time for your family. Call Nanny and Pop-Pop everyday and tell them about your day. They love to hear it. You are never too old to draw them pictures, or send them letters. No matter how old you are, they will always show off the pictures and letters you send them to their friends in the neighborhood and anybody who stops by for a visit. The smile on their face when they open a card addressed to them, from you, is something you will never forget. A phone that doesn't ring, is something you would only regret. They will not be here forever, but when they are gone one day, you are sure to miss them forever. Make the moments count while they are here. There is no turning back the clock. 

You are young, and you are stubborn. You say things you don't mean to the people you love, and you fight with your family. Let go of the notion that your family members are your enemies. They are the only ones that will still be on your team, even if you disqualify yourself from the game. 

Life is too important to be taken seriously. This is something you will learn as the years go on, and the world grows colder. You aren't here for that long, have fun with it, and dwell on nothing.

Be kind to yourself. The world is harsh, you don't have to be.

Dear Brianna, 

I wish you would listen to me. I wish I could save you the time. I wish I could save you the 
heartache of having to learn these lessons the hard way. They are so simple, really. If only you
 would open your eyes and see it. 

Dear Brianna, 

If only you weren’t so stubborn. 

Dear Brianna, 

You’ll learn someday, the truths that were beside you all along. I wish you would take the 

shortcuts I have provided you. 

Dear Brianna, 

Although I was urged to, I took no shortcuts. 

Dear Brianna, 

I learned the hard way, too. 

Write Yourself Alive

It is no secret that I admire poet, Tyler Knott Gregson. He has created his own style in the genre of poetry, and brought attention back to the art. Tyler put together a 30 day writing course called 'Write Yourself Alive,' challenging writers to develop a 30 day writing routine to write themselves back to life, and out of their ruts. I feel so lucky to be taking part in this class, and I'm excited to see how the challenge plays out.

As Ernest Hemingway so delicately said, "there's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed." While I've only used a typewriter once or twice in my life, I'm very familiar with the concept of bleeding ink. Writing is the only way I can allow myself to bleed all day without fear of death. I consider myself to be extremely lucky that I had never considered what I want to do for a living. My living found me by chance, and kept me alive.

Often times as writers, we are guilty of putting our craft on the back-burner, because the routine of every day life gets in the way. But, do we blame circumstance? or do we have ourselves to blame? One can't alter circumstance, but you can alter the way you respond to it. If you love to write, make the time to write. Whether that time is at 3 o'clock in the morning, or 3 o'clock in the afternoon when you're stuck in traffic. Do what you love. You owe it to yourself. You deserve to do the things that make you happy, and it's time you realize it.

I call myself a writer. I write for HerCampus, our school paper, the Minaret, the Tampa Tribune, USATODAY College, and whatever other publications will accept me. However, when I am not doing that, I am a waiter. I have never once had a routine where I wrote every day. I no longer write for pleasure. The truth is, I'm terrified of my own love.

The one thing I think that holds me back the most from writing on a regular basis is my fear of feeling. Writing is a gateway drug to an endless array of emotions. Although you're in control of the movements the pen makes, you're not in control of what your heart feels, or where your mind goes as a result. I'm afraid of unveiling painful memories, confronting uncomfortable situations that I have successfully avoided for so long. I'm afraid of blacking out, having my mind shut down and abandon me, heading off to cower somewhere hard to find. It's happened before, and it's hard to escape. 

When I sit down at my desk to write, I feel overwhelmed. Where do I start? What do I write about first? The truth is, it is so easy to begin, all I need to do is sit down. Once i'm comfortable, one would physically have to pry my cramped and aching fingers from the reigns of my peanut butter stained keys.

I'm taking accountability for my delay in writing, and changing the pattern today. I'm excited for the challenge, and vow to write every day for 30 days, for at least an hour each day. I vow to be raw in my writing, and not be scared to go to those dark places, that I've protected and hid in the back of my mind. I vow to stop writing for other people, and start writing for myself, and remind myself of why I wanted to be a writer in the first place. I vow to stop waiting, and start writing. I vow to confront my fears head on, rather than run from them. I will stick with the uncomfortable feeling for as long as I can bear, then let it go, and move on. I vow to be fair to myself, and let myself create. 

Let the bleeding begin... 

Leadership Exchange in Memphis, Tennessee

"Average leaders raise the bar on themselves; good leaders raise the bar for others; great leaders inspire others to raise their own bar." Orrin Woodward

I am firm in my belief that I am naturally shy and socially awkward by nature, and this is why I'm a writer. I speak at the wrong times, say things that aren't always funny, but people laugh anyway (with me, of course), and I stutter when I do so. But, I love people and I love helping them.

Here at the University of Tampa, we have amazing opportunities to volunteer through the P.E.A.C.E center. Although I have good intentions of going to these trips, I always tend to cancel, because I'm too scared to go. Just a few months ago, fate gave me the kick in the ass that I needed to step out of my comfort zone.

I was going to Memphis, Tennessee for a leadership exchange program to volunteer to help the homeless.

There was no way I was backing out of this one. I signed up alone, not knowing who would be on the trip, but I wasn't going to let that stop me. I thought to myself worst case scenario, if I didn't end up talking to anyone on this trip, at least I'd be in Tennessee, and how bad could that really be?

4 A.M. wake up call. That was ugly. Somehow, I was up at 3:15 making coffee. When we all met to leave, it was anything but awkward. I only knew two people on the trip, but we quickly bonded as a group.

When we landed in Memphis, the students from the University of Memphis participating in the leadership exchange were waiting for us at the airport. We would waste no time heading to our first stop. We were planning to help serve lunch at a local homeless shelter.

The first thing I noticed were how many people were at the shelter. Seeing so many people grateful for the chance to have a hot lunch in front of them slowed me down. So often I feel like eating is done on the go. I don't often sit down and enjoy a meal, and think about what I am eating. I am picky as hell, and I shouldn't be. I noticed the attitudes of the people whom we served. They were so grateful, so hopeful. Although it may have seemed like they had nothing, they acted as if they had everything. They had their faith, and that would suffice for the time being. The workers, too were so cheery. It made me smile to see people genuinely happy to do nice things for other people, and not expect anything in return. It is so easy to get caught up in the routine of daily life, and forget about helping other people. No matter how well off you may be, there will always be someone who could use your help. We need people to raise their voices for the voiceless and make a difference. No matter how small that difference may be, one small difference can initiate a snowball effect of improvement in the community.

One of our favorite visits was to Lifeline to Success, an organization that helps ex-convicts reenter society, and change society's perception about them. To do so, members of the 'blight patrol' work to beautify the community. We worked alongside them to clean up around the community. It was cool for us to be able to talk to members of the Blight Patrol. What we learned here is that this community writes off no one. Instead, various organizations work together to boost the community as a whole. We're all people, and people make mistakes, and that doesn't make us any different from one another. The people in Lifeline to Success are not bad people. They are people who faced bad circumstances, which should not define them forever. I am grateful to the members of Lifeline to Success for sharing their stories and their struggles with us, and opening their hearts and trusting us enough to let us into their hearts.

You can read more about our work with Lifeline to Success and University of Memphis here.

Something that is so important to me is ensuring our veterans have proper care when they return home from serving our country. I was thrilled to learn that Memphis has taken action to help our veterans readjust to society, and help them find housing, work, and provide them with the resources they need to adjust happily and comfortably. This organization is Alpha Omega. It was shocking to me to learn that 10% of our population is made up of homeless veterans. When returning home, those that serve for our country are never the same. It is our duty to ensure they have the safest, healthiest, and happiest transition back into society that they can. Alpha Omega ensures veterans will have a home, and counseling when they return.

You can learn more about their mission here.  They are currently working on getting their following up to 10,000 on Facebook. If you know anyone who could potentially benefit from their services, please share this information. You never know, it can change a life.

For lack of better words, this trip has changed my life in more ways than one. We came together with the kids from University of Memphis as strangers to help strangers in a city that half of us adopted, but by the end of the week, grown to love. We quickly became one unit, connected by hope, love, and the desire to make an impact on this community.

Thank you to the kids at UM for giving us such a warm welcome, and being so eager to show us your beautiful city. Thank you for opening your rooms to us and letting us snore on your couches. Thank you for showing us all of the local spots that you like to visit. We look forward to hosting University of Memphis at the University of Tampa in March and reconnecting with our family, and getting back to work on our end. 

In terms of being a leader, I learned that you are never too small to make a difference. Sure we may be in college, but that doesn't mean we can't make an impact. If I were to write a check, I think I have about $0.25 in my bank account, but I've got a lot of love to give. We have time, and we have heart. Sometimes simply sitting with someone and talking to them like we're the same people can have a huge difference. If you're good at math, tutor kids in your community. If you like to be outside, clean up around your local school. Put in time, and expect nothing in return. There are still good people in the world willing to good things for nothing in return. Be one of those people. We are the future. We have the ability to change the course of the future, and if that's not powerful, I don't know what is. 

Finally, I learned that your comfort zone is a lot wider than you think it is. The only one standing in your way is yourself and your incessant doubt. Stop doubting yourself! This life is too short not to be on your own team. The only way to know how things will turn out is to try. 

This was the best part of everyday we were in Memphis. Never have I ever witnessed something so raw and so beautiful. At the end of the day, when I ran out of words to describe how I felt, the sky took the words right out of my mouth and arrayed it in a collection of bright, beautiful colors. I have hope for the future. 

New Years are Weird

Some things never change as the years pass. One thing that is always funny to me is how people begin the New Year. Often times people make too many promises to themselves before going into January that they believe will lead them to a "better life." That's fine and dandy, and I do admire that. There's nothing wrong with striving to be better. But, you should do so everyday. Not just on Mondays, and not just on January 1. Why wait out the whole year to do something deserving for yourself, when you have a fresh start each morning?

In retrospect, it scares the hell out of me that another year has slipped through my fingers. I never even made a New Year's Resolution... I'm still thinking. Don't get the wrong idea, I won't make one this year, either. I've been turned off the idea since I've proven time and time again my addiction to diet soda is bigger than myself.

Resolutions can be fun. It presents you with a challenge, and sometimes the opportunity to work out an internal conflict. However, they are not for me, and never have been. Put simply, I am the biggest loser of resolutions. I simply can't keep them.

One year, I swore up and down, left to right, and on every grave in the state of New York that I would speak like a lady all year. No cursing. No exaggeration, five seconds after the ball dropped, I went to hug my mom and she spilled champagne all over my lap.

"What the fuck," I complained.

So much for that. Now that that's soiled I can just sail away with my sailor's mouth for 364 more days until I can try again.

If resolutions are your forte, power to you. However, there are a few rules to keep in mind:

1. Be realistic- stick with one goal to seriously work with throughout the year. "Get a promotion," "Gather the courage to finally ask for a raise." It is highly unlikely that you're going to "never eat Taco Bell as long as you live," "never drink another soda in your life," or "go to the gym three times a day, five days a week." (However, if this was your resolution, maybe wait until February when everyone who has this resolution cancels their membership. It'll be less crowded.)
2. Be fair to yourself- this is why I say pick one! It is easy for an unfulfilled goal to lead to disappointment, having ten may get messy. There can only be one Taylor Swift.
**3. If you're going to set any kind of resolution, don't start making a years worth of mistakes at midnight! The urban myth that "the new year resolution" kicks in as soon as you wake up is full of shit. Behave yourself. 

At the end of the year, I like to reflect on the year passed, and make some goals (not resolutions) for the future. My goals could be considered more of bucket list items that I hope to achieve within the year. The difference is a longer deadline, and it's not something I have to work on everyday.

A few promises for 2015...
-I will still drink enough diet soda to potentially harm my health 40 years down the road, but I'll worry about that if and when that time comes
-I will curse at my leisure. I'm a journalist, it will happen. A lot. Besides, I always wanted to be a sailor.
-I will not work out five days a week. If I go to the gym twice in a week, it's a miracle.
-I will still steal my sister's close every time the opportunity prevents itself (Sorry, Al.)
-I will still date losers, bad boys, and rednecks my mom won't approve of.

Goals:
-Publish more articles
-Get a paid reporting internship for the summer
-Stay in Tampa for more than two weeks when I'm not in school (make a home base).
-Talk more when it's important, and less when it's not.

Secret Romantic

I did everything I possibly could to save the remnants of a relationship that was never there. Anyone who knows me will say I'm not much of a dater. I'm not yet sure whether this is an entirely conscious choice: my heart building shields of steel around its perimeter to defend itself from its past muddy history, or simply an unconscious rebellion against societal beliefs, which are dangerously skewed. However, when I have my heart set, I never stop fighting for what it wants. No matter how impossible it may seem in our day: with rap music encouraging promiscuous behavior and shaming monogamous relationships, I wholeheartedly believe in the sanctity of love. Love is a beautiful and rare thing, which is why when it exists, the feeling should be appreciated, cherished. At the same time, love should be easy. This is something that cannot be forced and cannot be feigned. I never understood the concept of "couples therapy." You are willing to spend thousands of dollars to talk to a stranger about your frustrations how another person isn't loving you the right way? Isn't it cheaper to accept the fact that maybe, just maybe, you were never right for each other in the first place?

I don't date often. Not so much that I don't enjoy dating, I do. More often than not, it just doesn't go as planned for me and my heart is left battered. I'm not much of a dater, but I'm a closeted hopeless romantic. I say closeted, because in the society we were raised in, yes, it's seemingly embarrassing. I don't utter the word often. Yes, I have a wild spirit, but I have a calm heart. If I promise it to you, it's yours and only yours, until circumstance demands otherwise.

I wonder: why is it in our society that the idea of romance is so off-putting? The simple act of proving you care for another person in ways greater than 140 characters? Gross!

Surprises are my favorite. I don't know how I know this on a count of I have never been surprised, but I imagine it would be great. Just once to not have a set plan, just go out on a whim, and have someone tell me they'll pick me up in five minutes, and we'll figure it out from there. That will probably never happen. This is a high paced world we're living in. People want to know that their time won't be wasted. They want to know where they're going, they want a signed and notarized contract from Google maps on where the place is, they want to know how long they can expect to be there, who else will be in proximity. Everything is pre-determined. God forbid something wonderful happened. Something spontaneous. Let your guard down. Allow yourself to live, and deviate from the plan you so eloquently developed for yourself. Everyone has a plan for themselves, what are the chances the numbers in your plan systematically match up with another person's plan? Let it go.

 I get it, though. This world is tough. Barriers are built, steel walls with alligator-filled moats surround your heart to protect the chance that God forbid you fall in love and something beautiful happens. Why do we do this? We want promises. We fear the unknown, and we fear rejection. If you never jump, you can never fall. In the same breath, if you never fall, you can never heal.

Another thing I never understood is why people let a day dictate when they're going to show love for someone they love? I don't want your flowers on Valentine's day. I want them on February 1st, or November 10. I don't want to be waiting in the doorway, tapping my foot with my hand out. I don't want to expect anything. Don't buy me gifts for Christmas that I needed in October. Be nice, because you want to, not because the florist told you to, and you couldn't pass up a 2-for-1 deal getting flowers for your mother and me in one shot.

What can we do to bring it back?:

• First things first, stop playing games. If you have feelings for someone, let them know. Don't analyze how long you should wait before texting back, how often you should be busy, etc. Text back when you open the message, and see them as often as you're free. 
• Drop the plans. Instead of "do you want to hang out?" and "what do you want to do?," try "I'll pick you up in ten minutes for dinner." 
• Drop the notion that everything is about money. Not everyone is after your below-average pay check. Get over yourself. Go for a walk on the beach, go hiking, rent a movie, it's simply about being together.
• Forget dates. Yes, I said that. Giving flowers on Valentine's day is super cheesy. Try giving flowers when it's least expected or when you feel someone needs them. The gesture will go better appreciated. 
• If there's a problem, talk about it. People can't read minds, therefore aren't going to always understand when and why you're upset. Life is too short to leave words unsaid, the only person you're harming is yourself. Holding grudges causes wrinkles. Open up, and let things go [within reason]. 
• Relationships are a mutual effort. If one person is pulling all of the weight and making all of the sacrifices, there is an unbalance that needs to be worked out, in order to avoid tension later on. 
• Relationships should be easy. If you often spend a lot of time fighting, making it feel like a chore to talk to one another, it's time to cut the line. Enough of this notion that you "invested so much time," blah, blah, blah. If you're more miserable than you are happy, it might be time to throw in the towel. You'll start to breathe easier. 
• Stop the crazy. Trust is essential. No snooping. 
• Be loyal. Face reality. Cheating on your significant other will not turn you into Leonardo Dicaprio, or Kim Kardashian. Cheating makes you an asshole. That's a fact. 
• Break down those walls, let the alligators loose and fill in that moat. Open up your heart. It could be as simple as that.

Falling in Love With Beautiful Little Nothings

I never wanted to be one of those kids who took things for granted. My mom, dad, Nanny and pop pop have always reminded me to be grateful for the small things in life. I’ve grown to appreciate that those beautiful little nothings mean everything in the long run. Those are the things you’ll remember ten years from now. Those little nothings are the basis of all your future stories. Open your eyes wider to those nothings and learn to love them now, rather than ten years from now.

I say that I’m grateful all of the time, but when asked on the spot to pinpoint those very things, I’m dumbfounded. The truth is, there are far too many things that I am grateful for to simply put in a single list. I am grateful everyday that I wake up, thankful for another day. It wasn’t always this way. Anyone who knows me probably knows by now that I suffer from depression. It comes and goes as it pleases and more often than not overstays its welcome each and every time. When these demons are with me, I fold. You remember when as a kid you used to see how many times you can fold a piece of paper, before it wouldn’t go anymore? That’s kind of like life with depression is like. Each day, another thing becomes a little less enjoyable to you. All of the things that used to excite you become “eh,” until you fold into nothing. You can’t bend anymore. Numb.

Each time I come out of a bout of depression, I have a new found appreciation for life, and I fall in love with it all over again. I appreciate each day I have where my brain is clear of these demons and I take advantage of feeling alive and well. I used to love to tell my nanny that I was bored. Each time she would tell me, “you’re too young to be bored.” I never understood what she meant. I didn’t know boredom had an age limit. What I think she meant was that there is so much in this life that I haven’t seen or experienced yet, how can I possibly be bored? As usual, she was right. I am never bored. I am always exploring. That’s what we all came to do.

The more I thought about it, the more I was at a loss. There’s so many, but when someone is looking for an immediate response, all I could seem to mutter was, “uhhh... Family.” The more I thought on it, the more I realized I am grateful for so many small things that make up the bigger picture of my life:

-Although my circle is small, it is tight. I have a strong bond with every one of my friends and family members. Although we are often far apart, we find ways to manage to talk every day.

-My mom doesn’t get mad when I call her eight times in a day, to tell her every thought that popped into my head for the day. Distance makes the heart grow patient, I guess?

-I can always count on my dad to answer the phone mid-day, when I just need someone to listen to me rant about my day.

-My sister is patient with me when I ask her a thousand silly questions about the way life works. It’s a mutual understanding that older sisters are supposed to show the younger ones the ropes.

-Having friends who feel comfortable enough to walk in my room without knocking.

-Having friends who refer to your mother as “mom.”

-Having friends who come to your house and walk to the refrigerator, before saying anything else.

-Being a “human sponge,” I soak up every lesson that people have experienced around me, learning from their mistakes, and growing by observation.

-Every bad person who has waltzed through my life. I hold no grudges, however I am thankful for all that you taught me about patience, forgiveness, and life. Only few, but you have all helped me grow tremendously.

-The feeling you get on rainy days, where you feel like it’s perfectly acceptable to stay in your pajamas all day and have a movie marathon with your dog.

-No matter how long I am away at school, my dog is always excited to see me when I come back home.

-Being a writer and being able to sympathize and connect with all different kinds of people on a deeper level.

-As a writer, feeling every emotion ten times stronger than anyone else. -All of the opportunities I have gotten through my school. Including: interning with CollegeFashionista, USA TODAY College, and Tampa Tribune, meeting my friends, and getting to travel to Memphis for a leadership program.

-The ability to see/ hear. As a writer, this is so essential for me, and something I think many people take for granted.

-Good health so I can bike, hike, run and box as I please.

-All of my english teachers who have helped me better my craft throughout the year.

-Support. When someone tells me that they read something I’ve written whether it be a blog, poem, or an article- it means the world to me, because I bleed into everything I write.

-Being free. I have a wandering soul. I am lucky to have the freedom to study whatever I want, wherever I want. After school, I have the freedom to pursue any career I want and settle down in any state that I’d like, with whomever I choose. This is perhaps what I’m most grateful for.