This Small Town's Dead, and She's Never Felt More Alive

　　I wanted more. And that’s why I left. I wanted more for me, for my family, and for my future family. I didn’t want to be trapped under the small town curse. You get comfortable and you never leave. The comfort is nice, but merely serves as a walker. As we begin to grow as people- in spirit and in mind, we outgrow the barriers of small town life. We need something more. We need something more stimulating in order to feel alive. 　　
      I wanted more than nights spent home alone dreaming, while everyone was out and about with the rest of the town: drinking, smoking, breaking curfew, while breaking the law. I wanted more than holding my breath walking through the gates on my way to school, to avoid the pot clouds getting tangled up in my lungs. I wanted more than sharing one guy between every desperate girl in town, who just wanted someone to love her, to validate her existence. I wanted more than experiencing heartbreak after heartbreak after caring for those deemed “unlovable,” just because they’re scared to get close to people. I wanted a real life. I wanted experiences and I wanted all of them. 　　
     I was terrified. Terrified of getting comfortable in the cushioned walls that small town life promises and provides to its inhabitants. I was terrified of getting comfortable with being average. I didn’t want to become another person who raises a family in a house surrounded by a white fence and guarded by a small yappy dog. I didn’t want to graduate from school, to go on to work a 9-5 job that makes me dread waking up in the morning. I have dreams and I want to live them and stop dreaming them. My dreams are sometimes bigger than myself, so it was no surprise that they began to ooze outside of the boundaries of this washed up town. 　　
    Whether it was maturity or just a change of heart, i’ve learned to stop competing and to stop arguing. Small towns can get catty. If someone manages to find a one-way ticket out, we get jealous. If someone is doing better than we are, we feel insecure. It’s human nature. However, i’ve given up the fight. I’ve given up caring if people liked me or what I was wearing, or how my family was living. It’s exhausting. I’ve given up being hurt if I was left out of a plan. There’s always next time and there’s other things I can do tonight. I’ve given up being hurt over guys who I shouldn’t have paid attention to in the first place. Whether you look at it as a fault or not, I attract to broken souls, because I can relate. Not being able to make up your mind and not wanting to get close to someone, I get it. But, nurturing a broken soul with no nurturing in return gets old real fast, and i’m too old and my time is way too valuable to be playing games with people who don’t know what they want. I’m over the arguing. The possibility for a fight no longer excites me, but exhausts me. I like to steer clear whenever possible. I’ve learned the best way to win an argument is not to respond at all. The most important thing that I realized is: life is not a competition. It doesn’t matter if you have achieved something in x amount of time, and I haven’t yet. It’s not a race. I want to experience everything, but it doesn’t have to be right now. It was important for me to realize to stop measuring my success by the level of other people’s successes. Just because I accomplished something doesn’t make me better than you. We’re all on the same playing field. The only person i’m competing with nowadays is myself. I just want to be better than the person I was yesterday, everyday. Just like I want good things for myself and my family, I want good things for you and your family too. It’s not a competition: I wish you all well. I enjoy rooting for others and watching them succeed before my eyes. 　　
       Remember: this life is short. Go after what you want. Chase it with both hands. Nothing in this world is too far out of reach as long as you’re willing to work hard for it. If you’re not happy where you are, change it. This life is full of possibilities, you just need to wipe the crust out of your eyes and start looking. I’m rooting for you.

Happiness is a Subjective Term

　　What is happiness? I think it’s something we tend to ponder when we are lacking. Happiness, like many other things in life, is a subjective term. It has a different definition for each person. For some, happiness means seeing others happy and making a difference in someones life. For others, happiness is based on having, such as having a steady job and a steady boyfriend or girlfriend. This definition scares me. Why? These things are temporary. Does that mean without these you will be miserable? I want a happiness so strong that I can feel comfortable with everything, but still have the same amount of comfort if I lost all of my possessions. In this day and age, it appears that many of us, including I are often guilty of basing happiness on material items. New technology, new shoes, and the latest handbag: we want it all. Like Oscar Wilde once said, “Nowadays people know the price of everything and the value of nothing.” 　　My fear has always been the unknown. I don’t like surprises, I need to know what’s going to happen so I can plan accordingly. I’m scared of things that leave and change, that’s why i’m reluctant to get attached to people, because what if they up and leave? As time goes on, i’m realizing that is not how life works, and i’m working on it. You have to be willing to loosen the reins that you think you have on life, so you can experience all that it has to offer. Just because some people leave, that doesn’t mean that all of them will.You have to be willing to fall. Sometimes that fall will make you all the more stronger. 　
　I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and I have been trying to focus on not allowing materialistic items to determine my happiness.I decided to compile a list of simple things that make me happy throughout the day. 　　 　　

-The ability to walk and explore new places. My curiosity will keep me traveling and exploring as long as my legs keep moving. 　　 　　

-The stillness of the morning air 　　 　　

-The smell of fresh flowers and fresh cut grass 　　 　　

-Having time off from school and work to read a book 　　 　　

-New journals and the possibilities for the fresh pages 　　 　

-When I get home from school and my dog is excited to see me 　　 　　

-Blasting country music 　　 　　

-Long drives on a Sunday 　　 　　

-Small country towns and the sense of community that’s established there. 　　 　

-The sense of clarity you get after you write. 　　 　　

-Bookstores 　　 　　

-Eating healthy 　　 　　

-Ability to see and hear

-Hiking

What makes you happy? Is it something that's around long-term?

15 Things I learned Freshman Year in College

Freshman year is an exciting time in every young adults life. It's your first time being away from home, and you're starting to learn all those lessons your parents tried to teach you, only now you're learning the hard way. On your own. As freshman year is coming to a close in the next few weeks, I started to ponder over what this year has taught me, and how it helped me grow into a semi-more mature woman. I came up with a list of 15 things I've learned through first-hand experience, or witnessing it through someone else this past year.

1. You don't have to be best friends with your roommate, and you don't have to hangout with her, but you do have to respect each other. Otherwise, you're in for an unbearable semester. If things really aren't working out, there's always the option of doing a roommate swap.

2. Your friends from first semester may not be your friends during the second semester. That's okay. People evolve, interests change. Move on.

3. Don't be scared to do things alone. If you're constantly waiting for somebody to be ready, or find someone who wants to go somewhere with you, you're going to be waiting and wasting a lot of time. Go to events that interest you by yourself. It's a great way to get involved on campus, and a great way to meet new people who share the same interests as you.

4. A good rule of thumb: it's probably not a good idea to drink and or smoke on a weekday.

5. You become like the people you hangout with most: choose wisely.

6. Don't try to drink as much as the bad boy you've just fallen for: he won't be impressed, and you will just end up looking really stupid.

7. Don't settle! So many people feel pressured to get in a relationship when they first get to college, that they end up settling for less than they deserve. Be patient: you will find someone who treats you well, and someone who actually sets goals for themselves. (Rule of thumb: the guy you met at the bar probably isn't boyfriend material. What would your mom think?) Do not keep going back to someone who doesn't treat you well, just because it's what is familiar. There's plenty of people in college, there's bound to be a handful of gentlemen somewhere on campus.

8. Be unavailable. A good way to spark someone's interest is for you not to be available to them all the time. Cliché, but true, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Don't be scared to say, "I'm busy," or "I have other plans."

9. Don't be scared to say no. You don't have to go somewhere or do something you don't really want to, just because "everyone else is going." Staying in can be refreshing sometimes. A simple "no thanks" will do.

10. Show interest in other peoples day- no one wants to hear how stressed you are about school, or how tired you are. We're all stressed, and we're all tired. This is college. Ask other people questions. People like to talk about themselves, and they will start to avoid you if they think that they can't talk to you, and think that you only want to talk about yourself all of the time.

11. Go to class! This one seems obvious, but especially if you go to school where the weather is warm, it's necessary to state. People will try to get you to skip class to head to the beach, or lay out by the pool. If it's raining, it may be tempting to skip class, because you've gotten spoiled with nice weather 24/7. However, attendance is mandatory in most classes. At some schools, you will get denied credit for the class after you miss two class days.

12. Budget is not just important, but essential. Know how much you have to spend at the beginning of the semester, and allot yourself a weekly budget for food and entertainment. Take into consideration any necessary payments you have to make. If you spend all of your money in the first few weeks, you will be very unhappy staying in for the rest of the semester, while all of your friends go out and have fun.

13. Appreciate your parents- they are the reason that you're here. Although they may have been extremely annoying during senior year, and the application process, deep down you are grateful that they pushed you so hard, so you could have a good life. They are the ones that send you care packages, eager to receive an excited phone call when you open a box from home with your favorite candy and study snacks. They may be paying your tuition bill, and you know that if you're ever in need of anything they're only one phone call away.

14. The most important lesson I learned during college: stay hydrated and eat before class! If you're dehydrated, and hungry and the weather is hot, it is very likely that you will pass out in class. Although people may say it is not embarrassing, it is embarrassing when you faint in class and a table breaks your fall. (For the record, this one didn't happen to me. It happened to a friend )

15. Freshman 15 is most definitely a thing, but don't let it dictate too much of your time. Eat well and work out often, but still take time to enjoy pizza with friends. Enjoy your freshman year!

College isn't easy

College is not easy. A new environment: new people, no parents, and for many of us, being away from home for the first time. Once again we are the little fish, wandering around a big sea, still trying to get the hang of how to swim. We're vulnerable, but, we're not the only ones. Being on your own for the first time can be scary. It's easy to get lost. Being lost can lead us to searching for validation from the new people we meet on campus. However, it is ultimately up to you to decide how you feel about yourself.

 

If when you look in the mirror, your thoughts are clogged by what others have said about you, you have let them win. You allowed other people to have power over you, in determining how you feel about yourself. It's time to silence those voices, and gain back the power.

 

I'll admit, college has not been easy for me. I'm away from home for the first time, and on top of that, I am really shy. The first few months on campus led to me searching for validation from my peers, something I have never cared to do before. Silly things: do I fit in here? Is my skirt cute? Am I eating too much, too often? Do you like my haircut? Those first few months, I was under a lot of stress, mainly stress I put on myself, in an attempt to strive for unattainable perfection.

 

I wasn't taking care of my body, and I didn't care. Chemicals, on top of strict dieting, and excessive exercising. I would settle for a few pieces of fruit per day, while trying to maintain my schedule of kickboxing 3-4 times a week. Barely giving myself enough fuel to get through the day, it got harder and harder to complete an hour kickboxing routine.

 

I pleaded ignorance when my family asked how I could have possibly lost almost 30 pounds in just a few months. Dropped in a new world full of uncertainties, I had "control" over one thing, and it spiraled desperately out of control.

 

I was never fat, I have always been an athlete- soccer, basketball, track, kickboxing, and cycling. However, I was always striving to be better. I always believed if I was more tone, I would feel so much happier.

 

Almost 30 pounds lighter, I was anything but. Not only was I weak physically, but, emotionally as well. My spirit was destroyed, and I was tired all of the time. I didn't have the energy to go out with my friends and frankly, I was embarrassed to. I didn't have the energy or motivation to do anything that I loved to do. Writing and working out was placed on the back-burner. Filled with anxiety, sadness, and fatigue, I spent the first six weeks back at school in my bed trying to regain my strength. There's no feeling quite as bad as watching fun things happening all around you, but not being able to par-take. My days consisted of: waking up, wishing for a nap, and going to class as an empty shell. I would eat lunch and dinner in my room, because I was exhausted, and out of excuses, tired of getting defensive, because people judged my eating habits.

 

At one point, I considered switching schools and moving closer to home. I told myself I wasn't ready to be on my own quite yet.  I had just turned 18. Reality is, no matter what school you're at, your brain is coming with you.

 

I knew I had to take initiative if I wanted to feel better again. Being as stubborn as I am, I had to admit I was having a hard time, and that I could use a hand. Slowly, I began to let down walls, and open up to my friends and family. I shouldn't have been shocked that they weren't shocked, or immediately ready to run fast in the opposite direction. I am beyond lucky to have the strongest most patient friends and family, that anybody could ever ask for.

 

My friends and family have been patient with me as I relearn to love myself, and find the enthusiasm I once had for the things that I loved most.

 

One thing I've learned this past year is that no matter what it is, your family will never let you go through anything alone. I've never been more grateful and sorry for anything at the same time.

 

 

From this point on...

 

I promise to...keep what other people think and say about me as being none of my concern.

I promise to...accept and embrace my flaws in all their glory.

I promise to...take care of my body.

I promise to...say something if i'm feeling unhappy, or lost.

I promise to...help others who may be feeling down, or get a blurry reflection when they look in the mirror.

I promise to...go easy on myself.

 

 

What do you promise? 

A mothers job

I read an article today, that is still lingering in the back of my mind, even hours after having finished reading. The author is an adult woman, recalling the decision to undergo liposuction surgery when she was 18 years old. This decision was encouraged by her mother, who told her daughter at ten years old, that she had thunder thighs. It's a word I have heard before to describe myself, but never from my mother. I cringed. 

A mothers job is to teach her daughter to feel beautiful in the skin that she's in. Little girls are supposed to grow up believing that they are beautiful princesses, because that's what they are. 

A mothers job is to instill confidence in her daughter. Teach her to accept her flaws, and live in spite of them. 

A mothers job is to teach her daughter to love herself, because if she can't, then who will?

She continued, admitting that she started dieting at 12 years old. She started to binge, and purge, hoping that she would lose enough weight to raise concern in someone. Or maybe feel accepted by her mother? 

At 12 years old, kids should be outside. Riding bikes, playing with dolls, or jumping rope. Not standing in front of the mirror pinching sections of their stomach, holding their thighs up to see if they jiggle, or concerning themselves with how many calories are in the slice of pizza that they had for lunch. 

At 18, she decided to take her mothers offer to pay for her liposuction surgery. What she expected was a swan-like transformation. After the surgery, she would be thin, and she would feel comfortable in her new body. What she got, was more disappointment. She still felt ashamed of her body post-surgery and she felt ashamed of her decision to get surgery in the first place. 

In my opinion, no 18 year old needs liposuction. No 18 year old should be thinking about liposuction. But rather spending time at the mall, enjoying pizza with friends, or planning to see a movie on Friday night. 

After reading the article, I felt overwhelmed with sadness. Sad that a mother could criticize her daughter to the point where she would become involved in extreme dieting, bingeing and purging, and consider surgery at such a young age. I felt sad to think of such a young girl preoccupied with petty things like weight, appearance, and calories when her time should be consumed by dolls, jump ropes, and time with friends. No one should have to feel alone at that age. In reality, none of us are alone in the situation, because we all feel it. Every body you meet is dealing with insecurities. The only difference being, some people have learned better than others to acknowledge their flaws, and live in spite of them. 

Whenever I read an article, I try to relate it back to my own life the best I can. Like I said, i've heard the word 'thunder thighs' used to describe myself many times. I've heard my legs compared to tree trunks, man legs, every other big object you could imagine. Never from my mother. But, from mean kids at school. Those words stay with you. 

I would come home to my mom upset. She would bring me in front of the mirror and say, 

"Look at yourself. Tell me one thing you see that is ugly." 

Like a mother does, she named off some positive qualities I possessed, while I pondered my ugliness. This act made me feel dumb. 

"I don't know, my legs?" 

"You gave them the power." She told me. 

"You let the mean kids at school dictate how you feel about yourself." 

This angered me even more. I didn't like the idea of letting other people control how I thought about myself.

Remember: Not everyone was brought up with the same level of confidence as you. Encourage each other. If you could make someone else feel good during the course of the day, you had a productive day. Life is hard enough already, there is no reason to make it harder for any body. 

My mother taught me that true beauty lies within the heart and soul. I could never thank her enough for taking the time to instill confidence in both my sister in I. I could never thank her enough for having patience with us, as we learned to accept our flaws, and live in spite of them. These are lessons that I will carry with me for the rest of my life, and teach to my own daughters someday. 

To Katie: (the author): 

I hope you've learned to look beyond the reflection in the mirror. I hope you've learned that that reflection does not dictate your worth, and you've realized the true beauty that you are. I'm sorry that you went through all of those years not knowing that. 

The article i'm discussing can be found here: 

http://www.rookiemag.com/2014/03/out-of-body/2/

Submission Provides Clarity and Protection for the Weak

Why submit? Whether it be to the authority of someone who is of a

 higher ranking than we are, or rather believes that they are, or submitting to the 

monsters lurking inside ourselves. Why submit? 

It’s easier, sure. When there is constantly someone else telling us what to do, 

we don’t have to think too much. It’s easier not to put up a fight.

 If we don’t fight, we don’t have to spend time coming up with an argument, 

or proof as to why they’re wrong. 

I’m not talking about breaking the law, or disobeying your boss. That will only

 lead to trouble, and I am not advocating that at all. I’m talking about the 

outsiders who try to control your life. The people you have no real reason 

for keeping in your life because, they only harvest negativity, but the people you 

can’t seem to rid yourself of.

The reality is, we don’t want to fight. We are lazy. We want the easiest way out. 

No one wants to deal with unpleasantness. Sad? Lonely? 

Brokenhearted? Angry? Who wants to deal with that? 

In a world with thousands of distractions at the tips of our fingers,

 why would we want to deal with our problems, 

when we could just pretend as if they don’t exist? 

Real clarity has become so overrated. Nowadays we can find it at the bottom

 of the bottle, or in the bed of a stranger. This is the world we live in, this is 

what we have submitted to. 

My advice to you: Stop taking criticism from people. People who try to live your life

 for you, do so because they can’t comfortably navigate their own. 

Fight. It’s what differentiates you from everybody else today. Put down your 

 phone, and live. If you want something, get it. In the words of 

Shim Moore from the Sick Puppies, “Fear is the dumbest thing we’ve 

created in our minds. It stands in the way of everything, and achieves nothing.”

 Fear is a hazardous chemical that alters your perception of reality. 

Everything is achievable, you just have to be willing to fight hard enough. 

Forget fear because, it only aides you in becoming what you’re scared of.  Send out positive vibes, and positive things will come into your life. 

When a new opportunity approaches, embrace it with open arms. 

Even if it’s negative, don’t be scared, you may need the lesson. 

Live for yourself, and pay no mind to what other people say. 

This life is yours, and yours alone. It’s time to start living it. 

Don't Apologize

My dad never gave advice.

 I always assumed it was because he was never good at it, but now I know 

that it’s because, when he does, it’s probably something that will be really useful to me. 

My dad lives a simple life. He doesn't take things too seriously. That’s why I believe he is so wise. 

I rolled my eyes when he constantly told me, “Don’t apologize.”

“Ugh, you’re such a man,” I told him time, and time again. 

That’s the thing about advice, if it has to be further explained, it provided you no real lesson. 

I didn't understand what he meant by this, until someone put it into 

perspective for me. She was talking about bullying. People will always find a reason to pick 

on other people. This does not make you any less of a person. 

You don’t owe anyone an apology for taking up

 space, and existing. Live your life how you want to, and never apologize to anyone. 

Now, we’re not saying if you wronged someone not to apologize. Don’t be a dick. 

Swallow your pride, and say you’re sorry. 

Never, ever apologize for who you are. If we were all the same, this 

world would be extremely boring. There would be no art, and no artists, musicians, nothing. 

Our differences make this world a beautiful, interesting place. 

I chose to make this post today because, every year when the Victoria’s secret Fashion show

 airs, I always see posts on social media about everyone wishing they looked different. 

If the show makes you feel bad, don't turn it on. It's that simple.

In the wise words of Oscar Wilde, 

“Be yourself, everybody else is already taken.” 

You don’t have to follow a ridiculous exercise regimen to feel good 

about yourself, and you don’t have to jump on the latest fad diet bandwagon. Just be you.

 Collar bones do not equal happiness. Strive to be the best version of you possible, not to be an imitated version of a Hollywood creation. 

In the December issue of Vogue,I read an article that was rather... 

Shocking, should I say? No, not shocking. Articles about fad diets don’t really shock me anymore, 

they’re more upsetting. Because, people believe them. And this is where issues arise. 

We need to stop telling people if they do this, or if they do that they 

will be slim, and beautiful. This can lead to serious eating disorders, 

especially in teens. Instead, we need to focus on encouraging people to

 embrace who they are in entirety. You are beautiful as you are. Embrace it. 

The article was talking about Intermittent Fasting, a diet focused on 

caloric restriction. If you can call it that. People live off about 30 

percent fewer calories than the recommended daily amount. 

“Those looking to live longer while wearing a size 2 have gone from 

avoiding certain foods-no gluten or dairy, please- to avoiding all foods.” 

That sounds like a recipe for disaster. That is not a diet, that is

 putting your body through starvation.

It says research shows that fasting for hours, instead of days tricks 

the body into thinking it’s starving- kicking in the benefits of caloric restriction without 

chronic deprivation.

People who severely restrict their calories, are more likely to binge 

eat as the day goes on. They get so hungry that they grab high calorie, high carb foods. 

Your body needs carbs for fuel. 

Eat three balanced meals a day. If you want to snack, snack. Avoid these fad diets. 

I don’t think they’re just dangerous to our physical health,

 but our emotional health as well.

If the fashion show will make you feel bad, don’t watch it.

 If an article in a magazine seems to push 

generated images, and lifestyles spit out of 

Hollywood, don’t read it. 

Be your own person, and most importantly, don’t apologize.