Love is the Driving Force for Everything in This World

In the past year, I lost the two people I was most scared to lose. I think terrified is a more accurate description.

Growing up, I never lost anyone close to me. Goldfish, sure. Distant cousins, maybe. But it never really hit me. I was never close enough to the loss that it affected my everyday life.

I always sympathized with friends who lost family members, because as I said, “I couldn’t imagine.”

It all happened in such a short amount of time. My world became a tornado. I never stopped spinning. My first loss was our childhood dog. I remembered coming home from pre-school and having her jump at my feet. I’ve never felt more excitement over anything. When it was time to put her out of her misery, although my mom warned me it would be painful, I re-assured her I needed to be there. Man’s best friend. She was there for me my whole life, she needed me now. I pet the spot behind her ear that always made her feel at ease, and she looked into my eyes as she laid her head to rest. I never thought I could feel more pain in my life. Boy was I wrong.

I remember crying to my therapist,

“My pop pop is very sick,” I said.

“He’s going in for open heart surgery. He’s the brave one, I’m not sure if I can handle it. I told him since I can’t be there, that he should think of me if he gets scared, and I will be right there holding his hand.”

The best phone call I have ever received was letting me know my pop pop made it through the surgery. 80 years old. What a fighter. The downside, was it was a downwards spiral from here. My pop pop lost his pep, he slowly gave up the fight, and the weight seemed to be melting off of him.

I’ve been calling everyday, and I would talk to him until he would decide that he would rather watch Judge Judy.

“Nobody seems to want me to go,” I said. “To visit, I mean. And, I’m not sure I would want to see him like this.”

“Well, would you be okay if you never saw him again?” the therapist asked me.

I spit the word, “no!” back at her before she even finished asking what I hope no one would ever ask. I booked my flight to Florida as soon as I got home. In this situation, sure it will be the hardest pain you’ve ever experienced in your life, but you need to experience it. My pop pop has been there for me for every bump I have ever experienced in my short 16 years of life, and I’d be damned if I wasn’t going to be there for him.

I sat by his bed for three days. The nurses would rub my back, and suggest I get some rest in my own bed. I was reluctant to leave his side, and a little bit pissed that they would even suggest it. We all held hands, and we all cried. We didn’t need to speak, because all of the words we needed to say, were silently spoken.

The nurses told us it wouldn’t be long, and said that we should tell him that it was okay to let go. I juggled the possibility in my mind of doing so, but somehow it didn’t seem right. But, I knew for his sake, it would be what was best.

I squeezed his hand and slowly spoke, “Pop, don’t be scared. I will take care of mom and nanny. I promise you. I love you and I miss you already.”

That night, I stayed up until 3:30 sitting next to my pop pop. “You should get some sleep sweetie,” said the nurse. I was too tired to argue.

7:03 June 30 was the worst wake up call I have ever gotten in my entire life.

“It’s time” my mom said.

We crowded around my pop pops bed arm in arm as he took his final breaths. We were all there as he received his wings, and made his way up to the pearly gates.

I spent a lot of time alone. Writing, reading, walking, and listening to music. I refused to think about it, because once I did, it was real, and he was gone.

My nanny woke me up one morning and told me she loved me. She believed that she was dying, and she didn’t want to fight anymore.

“You have to. You have to promise me,” I panicked.

I hugged her tight.

My nanny was a fighter. But, to the people who say you can’t die of a broken heart, I beg to differ. My nanny couldn’t see life without my pop pop. After 60 years of marriage, she was ready to follow him into the next phase of life.

Just shy of a year after I said good-bye to my pop pop, I said good-bye to my nanny.

Even though we were in different states, I feel the void everyday. When I achieve something great in my career or at school, I jump to the phone, and get an empty line. When I need advice, I hear my nanny’s voice, and see her wagging her finger at me. When I feel depressed, I hear her saying that I’m a young girl, and I shouldn’t feel sorry for myself. “Enjoy this life,” she always told me.

They say it gets easier, but it doesn’t. It’s been two years, and I haven’t stopped spinning. It’s been two years, and I haven’t sat down and really cried. Until now.


In short, what I’ve learned from my Nanny and Pop Pop:
-Life is too short not to enjoy every second of it
-Even if you think no one is on your side, your family always is.
-Cherish the people in your life.
-Cherish little moments.
-It may hurt, do it anyway
-Don’t have enemies- people have enough going on in their life, you don’t need to make it any harder for them.
-Tell the people that you love that you love them.
-Don’t speak with an ugly tongue. If you don’t like somebody, mind your business, but you still have to be nice.
-Love is the driving force for everything in this world. You’re either searching for it, fighting to keep it, or following it. Love with all of your heart whether it be endeavors you embark upon or people you encounter.
-There’s nothing more beautiful in this world than two people so deeply in love, that they couldn’t bear to see life without the other.

Waves

I’m fascinated by the concept of waves. I believe it is a beautiful metaphor to capture the essence of life.

We will always be in the water. When things are good, we float. The waves are light and seemingly pass right through us. However, in the blink of an eye, those gentle waters can get rough. You can be floating for years, and one wave comes along that is just too tall to drift over. That wave will crash over your head, and send you tumbling back to shore. But, even though you may get taken out time after time, the waters will calm again. You need to jump up, shake it off, and swim back out.

Last year, a family friend tragically took her own life. Although I did not know her well, I ached for her. I knew all too well the cycle that she was trapped in. She couldn't catch a break long enough to catch her breath, and get back to shore. She got caught in the waves, and kept on tumbling.

She gave up the fight, and they pulled her back home.

Within minutes of hearing the news, words poured out of me, 　　

“She was a beauty,
but she lived her life in the ocean.

The waves passed through her,
disabling her to see
the beauty lingering within her soul.

Multiple times she screamed in the face of the darkness,
"you can't win!"
And the waves pulled her under,
crashing over her head.

As they tried and tried,
she cried, and cried
because, no one could understand what it was like
to live in a cycle of waves merely half alive.

She had a laugh louder than life,
but when the waves emerged,
her strength didn't suffice.

The wave washed over her,
and she forgot how to swim.” 　　

If there is only one thing you need to know about life to be able to navigate the waters a little bit easier, I’d say it would be that life does not come with flotation devices. Overtime you begin to learn the time of the tides. They will crash. They will take you out. You will be sent back to shore, but you will get up again. When you see the wave come in, be prepared to duck under it, or get ready to ride it.

Rest in peace, angel. I hope you found the peace you were so desperately searching for.

Crossroads

At this point in our lives, I feel we are all at a crossroads. We’re at that age where we are still considered by some as too young to make any life-altering decisions, yet still old enough to know better.

The crossroad lays in the path of expectations set by others in society, and the path we’ve imagined for ourselves.

Do you do what is expected of you, in that order? Or do you risk taking the untraditional route to pave your own path? What if the cement you choose doesn’t set well? The only possibility to know the end results of each set path is in prediction. I think knowing indefinitely would take all of the fun out of the journey.

We’re at that age where we should be working to help pay for school, to make a living, and ultimately, stop begging our parents for money. Whether we choose to live at school, on our own, or with our parents is still up to us. We’re at that age where if our hearts are filled with wanderlust, it’s still ok to grab a backpack and a passport, and get lost. It’s not crazy to want to spend two weeks wandering around Rome, as it would be if you had a family. It’s ok to stay in your pajamas one day until two in the afternoon, and pretend like the real world isn’t waiting outside your bedroom door.

Before college, I struggled a lot. I knew what I wanted to do, but it seemed like everyone else I knew had a different vision for me. They wanted me to make a lot of money and they wanted me to live in a big house. I thought that was great in theory, but there’s a few flaws. First, I don’t care how much money I’m making, if I don’t get up and love what I’m doing. If I’m not passionate about it, it’s not worth it. Why would I work crazy hours to make money I would never have the time to enjoy?

I felt guilty that I didn’t fit the mold my parents had envisioned for me. No bends, twists, turns, or practice would have me fit that mold. I am not a science or math person, and I don’t understand equations or statistics. For me, I create the world in a way I understand. Whether I like it or not, words pour out of me. I describe situations to make them feel relatable for people. Words are my photographs. Words are my equations. Words help me form this crazy world into a formula I can understand. I am a writer by nature. If I am lucky enough to get to paint with prose for the rest of my life, I will be rich with passion and love for every endeavor I embark upon. I love what I do, and that is enough an explanation for me.

Now in the middle of college, the next question we get bombarded with is, “what’s next?” It’s terrifying. Society seems to want the name of the company that will hire you out of college, the social security number of your future husband, the receipts for all of the debt you need to start making payments on, and where you are going to live.

Currently I have three addresses: my mom’s house, my dad’s house, and my dorm at school. I have no idea where I am going to be living next year. Do I want to stay with one of my parents? Aren’t I a little old? I want to plant my own roots, to have a city in any state that I can call my home. I don’t know where that will be, and I’m working to accept the fact that I will have to figure it out when the time comes.

I’m not going to pretend like I’m an expert on something I’m not. Since we’re being honest, I’m terrified of the future. We grew up with the belief that “perfection” is the ultimate goal. Therefore, I’m scared of lack. I want a successful career, I want a love that lasts until the day I die, and I want a house with a big yard where I can plant my roots with my family, and run barefoot through the grass. Being organized helps me in every aspect of my life, but you cannot create a vision board for every course of your life.

Something that has always inspired me to take chances is my mother. She got a job out of high school, but when she was 40, she decided she wanted to do something more fulfilling. She went to college to study for a job she had always dreamed of doing. With determination and a lot of hours spent studying, she got her degree, and the job she wanted. My mother is the perfect example of even if you get what you love wrong the first time, you can always reverse and change directions.

I’m scared my plan will not go so according to plan. But, i’d rather be known as the girl who fell, than the girl who never jumped.

Be scared. Take chances. Change directions. Take the wrong job. Create your path, and take your time paving it.  Have fear, but jump anyway.

This Small Town's Dead, and She's Never Felt More Alive

　　I wanted more. And that’s why I left. I wanted more for me, for my family, and for my future family. I didn’t want to be trapped under the small town curse. You get comfortable and you never leave. The comfort is nice, but merely serves as a walker. As we begin to grow as people- in spirit and in mind, we outgrow the barriers of small town life. We need something more. We need something more stimulating in order to feel alive. 　　
      I wanted more than nights spent home alone dreaming, while everyone was out and about with the rest of the town: drinking, smoking, breaking curfew, while breaking the law. I wanted more than holding my breath walking through the gates on my way to school, to avoid the pot clouds getting tangled up in my lungs. I wanted more than sharing one guy between every desperate girl in town, who just wanted someone to love her, to validate her existence. I wanted more than experiencing heartbreak after heartbreak after caring for those deemed “unlovable,” just because they’re scared to get close to people. I wanted a real life. I wanted experiences and I wanted all of them. 　　
     I was terrified. Terrified of getting comfortable in the cushioned walls that small town life promises and provides to its inhabitants. I was terrified of getting comfortable with being average. I didn’t want to become another person who raises a family in a house surrounded by a white fence and guarded by a small yappy dog. I didn’t want to graduate from school, to go on to work a 9-5 job that makes me dread waking up in the morning. I have dreams and I want to live them and stop dreaming them. My dreams are sometimes bigger than myself, so it was no surprise that they began to ooze outside of the boundaries of this washed up town. 　　
    Whether it was maturity or just a change of heart, i’ve learned to stop competing and to stop arguing. Small towns can get catty. If someone manages to find a one-way ticket out, we get jealous. If someone is doing better than we are, we feel insecure. It’s human nature. However, i’ve given up the fight. I’ve given up caring if people liked me or what I was wearing, or how my family was living. It’s exhausting. I’ve given up being hurt if I was left out of a plan. There’s always next time and there’s other things I can do tonight. I’ve given up being hurt over guys who I shouldn’t have paid attention to in the first place. Whether you look at it as a fault or not, I attract to broken souls, because I can relate. Not being able to make up your mind and not wanting to get close to someone, I get it. But, nurturing a broken soul with no nurturing in return gets old real fast, and i’m too old and my time is way too valuable to be playing games with people who don’t know what they want. I’m over the arguing. The possibility for a fight no longer excites me, but exhausts me. I like to steer clear whenever possible. I’ve learned the best way to win an argument is not to respond at all. The most important thing that I realized is: life is not a competition. It doesn’t matter if you have achieved something in x amount of time, and I haven’t yet. It’s not a race. I want to experience everything, but it doesn’t have to be right now. It was important for me to realize to stop measuring my success by the level of other people’s successes. Just because I accomplished something doesn’t make me better than you. We’re all on the same playing field. The only person i’m competing with nowadays is myself. I just want to be better than the person I was yesterday, everyday. Just like I want good things for myself and my family, I want good things for you and your family too. It’s not a competition: I wish you all well. I enjoy rooting for others and watching them succeed before my eyes. 　　
       Remember: this life is short. Go after what you want. Chase it with both hands. Nothing in this world is too far out of reach as long as you’re willing to work hard for it. If you’re not happy where you are, change it. This life is full of possibilities, you just need to wipe the crust out of your eyes and start looking. I’m rooting for you.

Happiness is a Subjective Term

　　What is happiness? I think it’s something we tend to ponder when we are lacking. Happiness, like many other things in life, is a subjective term. It has a different definition for each person. For some, happiness means seeing others happy and making a difference in someones life. For others, happiness is based on having, such as having a steady job and a steady boyfriend or girlfriend. This definition scares me. Why? These things are temporary. Does that mean without these you will be miserable? I want a happiness so strong that I can feel comfortable with everything, but still have the same amount of comfort if I lost all of my possessions. In this day and age, it appears that many of us, including I are often guilty of basing happiness on material items. New technology, new shoes, and the latest handbag: we want it all. Like Oscar Wilde once said, “Nowadays people know the price of everything and the value of nothing.” 　　My fear has always been the unknown. I don’t like surprises, I need to know what’s going to happen so I can plan accordingly. I’m scared of things that leave and change, that’s why i’m reluctant to get attached to people, because what if they up and leave? As time goes on, i’m realizing that is not how life works, and i’m working on it. You have to be willing to loosen the reins that you think you have on life, so you can experience all that it has to offer. Just because some people leave, that doesn’t mean that all of them will.You have to be willing to fall. Sometimes that fall will make you all the more stronger. 　
　I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and I have been trying to focus on not allowing materialistic items to determine my happiness.I decided to compile a list of simple things that make me happy throughout the day. 　　 　　

-The ability to walk and explore new places. My curiosity will keep me traveling and exploring as long as my legs keep moving. 　　 　　

-The stillness of the morning air 　　 　　

-The smell of fresh flowers and fresh cut grass 　　 　　

-Having time off from school and work to read a book 　　 　　

-New journals and the possibilities for the fresh pages 　　 　

-When I get home from school and my dog is excited to see me 　　 　　

-Blasting country music 　　 　　

-Long drives on a Sunday 　　 　　

-Small country towns and the sense of community that’s established there. 　　 　

-The sense of clarity you get after you write. 　　 　　

-Bookstores 　　 　　

-Eating healthy 　　 　　

-Ability to see and hear

-Hiking

What makes you happy? Is it something that's around long-term?

15 Things I learned Freshman Year in College

Freshman year is an exciting time in every young adults life. It's your first time being away from home, and you're starting to learn all those lessons your parents tried to teach you, only now you're learning the hard way. On your own. As freshman year is coming to a close in the next few weeks, I started to ponder over what this year has taught me, and how it helped me grow into a semi-more mature woman. I came up with a list of 15 things I've learned through first-hand experience, or witnessing it through someone else this past year.

1. You don't have to be best friends with your roommate, and you don't have to hangout with her, but you do have to respect each other. Otherwise, you're in for an unbearable semester. If things really aren't working out, there's always the option of doing a roommate swap.

2. Your friends from first semester may not be your friends during the second semester. That's okay. People evolve, interests change. Move on.

3. Don't be scared to do things alone. If you're constantly waiting for somebody to be ready, or find someone who wants to go somewhere with you, you're going to be waiting and wasting a lot of time. Go to events that interest you by yourself. It's a great way to get involved on campus, and a great way to meet new people who share the same interests as you.

4. A good rule of thumb: it's probably not a good idea to drink and or smoke on a weekday.

5. You become like the people you hangout with most: choose wisely.

6. Don't try to drink as much as the bad boy you've just fallen for: he won't be impressed, and you will just end up looking really stupid.

7. Don't settle! So many people feel pressured to get in a relationship when they first get to college, that they end up settling for less than they deserve. Be patient: you will find someone who treats you well, and someone who actually sets goals for themselves. (Rule of thumb: the guy you met at the bar probably isn't boyfriend material. What would your mom think?) Do not keep going back to someone who doesn't treat you well, just because it's what is familiar. There's plenty of people in college, there's bound to be a handful of gentlemen somewhere on campus.

8. Be unavailable. A good way to spark someone's interest is for you not to be available to them all the time. Cliché, but true, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Don't be scared to say, "I'm busy," or "I have other plans."

9. Don't be scared to say no. You don't have to go somewhere or do something you don't really want to, just because "everyone else is going." Staying in can be refreshing sometimes. A simple "no thanks" will do.

10. Show interest in other peoples day- no one wants to hear how stressed you are about school, or how tired you are. We're all stressed, and we're all tired. This is college. Ask other people questions. People like to talk about themselves, and they will start to avoid you if they think that they can't talk to you, and think that you only want to talk about yourself all of the time.

11. Go to class! This one seems obvious, but especially if you go to school where the weather is warm, it's necessary to state. People will try to get you to skip class to head to the beach, or lay out by the pool. If it's raining, it may be tempting to skip class, because you've gotten spoiled with nice weather 24/7. However, attendance is mandatory in most classes. At some schools, you will get denied credit for the class after you miss two class days.

12. Budget is not just important, but essential. Know how much you have to spend at the beginning of the semester, and allot yourself a weekly budget for food and entertainment. Take into consideration any necessary payments you have to make. If you spend all of your money in the first few weeks, you will be very unhappy staying in for the rest of the semester, while all of your friends go out and have fun.

13. Appreciate your parents- they are the reason that you're here. Although they may have been extremely annoying during senior year, and the application process, deep down you are grateful that they pushed you so hard, so you could have a good life. They are the ones that send you care packages, eager to receive an excited phone call when you open a box from home with your favorite candy and study snacks. They may be paying your tuition bill, and you know that if you're ever in need of anything they're only one phone call away.

14. The most important lesson I learned during college: stay hydrated and eat before class! If you're dehydrated, and hungry and the weather is hot, it is very likely that you will pass out in class. Although people may say it is not embarrassing, it is embarrassing when you faint in class and a table breaks your fall. (For the record, this one didn't happen to me. It happened to a friend )

15. Freshman 15 is most definitely a thing, but don't let it dictate too much of your time. Eat well and work out often, but still take time to enjoy pizza with friends. Enjoy your freshman year!

College isn't easy

College is not easy. A new environment: new people, no parents, and for many of us, being away from home for the first time. Once again we are the little fish, wandering around a big sea, still trying to get the hang of how to swim. We're vulnerable, but, we're not the only ones. Being on your own for the first time can be scary. It's easy to get lost. Being lost can lead us to searching for validation from the new people we meet on campus. However, it is ultimately up to you to decide how you feel about yourself.

 

If when you look in the mirror, your thoughts are clogged by what others have said about you, you have let them win. You allowed other people to have power over you, in determining how you feel about yourself. It's time to silence those voices, and gain back the power.

 

I'll admit, college has not been easy for me. I'm away from home for the first time, and on top of that, I am really shy. The first few months on campus led to me searching for validation from my peers, something I have never cared to do before. Silly things: do I fit in here? Is my skirt cute? Am I eating too much, too often? Do you like my haircut? Those first few months, I was under a lot of stress, mainly stress I put on myself, in an attempt to strive for unattainable perfection.

 

I wasn't taking care of my body, and I didn't care. Chemicals, on top of strict dieting, and excessive exercising. I would settle for a few pieces of fruit per day, while trying to maintain my schedule of kickboxing 3-4 times a week. Barely giving myself enough fuel to get through the day, it got harder and harder to complete an hour kickboxing routine.

 

I pleaded ignorance when my family asked how I could have possibly lost almost 30 pounds in just a few months. Dropped in a new world full of uncertainties, I had "control" over one thing, and it spiraled desperately out of control.

 

I was never fat, I have always been an athlete- soccer, basketball, track, kickboxing, and cycling. However, I was always striving to be better. I always believed if I was more tone, I would feel so much happier.

 

Almost 30 pounds lighter, I was anything but. Not only was I weak physically, but, emotionally as well. My spirit was destroyed, and I was tired all of the time. I didn't have the energy to go out with my friends and frankly, I was embarrassed to. I didn't have the energy or motivation to do anything that I loved to do. Writing and working out was placed on the back-burner. Filled with anxiety, sadness, and fatigue, I spent the first six weeks back at school in my bed trying to regain my strength. There's no feeling quite as bad as watching fun things happening all around you, but not being able to par-take. My days consisted of: waking up, wishing for a nap, and going to class as an empty shell. I would eat lunch and dinner in my room, because I was exhausted, and out of excuses, tired of getting defensive, because people judged my eating habits.

 

At one point, I considered switching schools and moving closer to home. I told myself I wasn't ready to be on my own quite yet.  I had just turned 18. Reality is, no matter what school you're at, your brain is coming with you.

 

I knew I had to take initiative if I wanted to feel better again. Being as stubborn as I am, I had to admit I was having a hard time, and that I could use a hand. Slowly, I began to let down walls, and open up to my friends and family. I shouldn't have been shocked that they weren't shocked, or immediately ready to run fast in the opposite direction. I am beyond lucky to have the strongest most patient friends and family, that anybody could ever ask for.

 

My friends and family have been patient with me as I relearn to love myself, and find the enthusiasm I once had for the things that I loved most.

 

One thing I've learned this past year is that no matter what it is, your family will never let you go through anything alone. I've never been more grateful and sorry for anything at the same time.

 

 

From this point on...

 

I promise to...keep what other people think and say about me as being none of my concern.

I promise to...accept and embrace my flaws in all their glory.

I promise to...take care of my body.

I promise to...say something if i'm feeling unhappy, or lost.

I promise to...help others who may be feeling down, or get a blurry reflection when they look in the mirror.

I promise to...go easy on myself.

 

 

What do you promise?