tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4458551232367295882024-02-21T06:27:08.988-08:00Velvet & WhineA girl with too much to say, and not enough people to listen.Pretty Balanced Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08229184858498708366noreply@blogger.comBlogger42125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-445855123236729588.post-61566730739641308032016-02-23T08:06:00.001-08:002016-02-23T08:06:22.428-08:00You're doing it right<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"Everyone thinks we're perfect, please don't let them look through the curtain." </blockquote>
Lately I've been having people tell me that I'm a good 'example' for what college students should be working for. Professors tell me how proud they are of me for how far I've come in achieving my career goals. Both professors and students have told me they're impressed how I somehow manage to juggle two jobs, an 18 credit school schedule, while still manage to stick to a fairly regular workout plan, and maintain some level of a social life.<br />
<br />
<i>How do I do it?</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
It's simple: I don't.<br />
<br />
I'm just as scared as everybody else.<br />
<br />
I feel a hint of guilt every time someone tells me that they're impressed how I manage to handle my schedule.<br />
<br />
<i>'Take a break!' </i>they joke, '<i>You'll burn yourself out!' </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
I laugh, because they don't know how true it is, and at this point, I don't think I know what a break is. I don't think many college students do. <i>That's the problem.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
There's a timeline of varying levels of pressure put on college students every year.<br />
<br />
<i>Freshman year: Your freshman year class schedule will be the easiest you will have during your college career. This in turn, leaves you with a lot of free time, which can be either a good or a bad thing, depending how you look at it. You are told to join clubs on campus- find 'your group.' try out different organizations, maybe a sorority or fraternity, maybe a club sport. However, while you're trying to develop new friendships, get used to classes, find your organization, and maybe work part-time, you must also be wary of the infamous 'freshman 15.' [The curse that follows the 'freshman 15' is enough to create a lot of stress in a student's life. If you gain a little weight your first semester (which is normal), it is looked at a failure, like in some sense you were caught in the trap of being a first-year student on campus.] So while trying to do all of these things, and get used to a new living environment, often a new city or state, you stress over the amount of time you're spending (or not spending) in the gym each week.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Sophomore year: If you haven't decided on a major yet, this is typically the ideal time to start narrowing the focus of your studies. Then, if you want to get a jump start, start looking for internships. A lot of what you'll hear during this time is 'it will look SO good on your resume,' 'you'll want all the experience you can get,' to which all students can respond with a collective eye roll.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Junior year: Things are getting real, things are getting scary. At this point, it is not unusual for a handful of your friends to have transferred. This adds new stress of making new friends, while maintaining a busier workload. If you haven't yet gotten an internship, the pressure is on now. All of the 'it will look SO good on your resume' exclamations will intensify from here. This is when many students start to juggle part-time work, internships, and a full school schedule. Oh, and don't forget squeezing in time for homework, readings, and papers.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Senior year: 'You're graduating? In May or December? Are you excited or nervous? What are your plans? Do you have any potential job offers?' This is the time when all students like to plug their ears, and tune out all the noise. When many of us don't have plans for our own lives, why do so often assume other people have plans for theirs? Life is not a straight line with a series of events that fall neatly into place- there are twists and turns, waves and hurricanes. You figure it out as you go, re-adjust whenever and however many times necessary, and keep chugging along. The pressure about finding a job after graduation comes from every direction imaginable: friends, family, co-workers, professors, like it comes as a surprise to us that we might need a job after graduation. Rather than enjoying our final semesters in college, we find ourselves stressed out: wishing for the end, but fearing its arrival. What if we're not prepared for what's next? There is fear in ambiguity, and at this time, the only thing that is certain is uncertainty. Juggling too many things at one time inevitably leads to burn out at one point or another, and you don't want that to happen before you take your first steps into 'the real world.' </i><br />
<br />
These so-called 'overachievers' do not have it figured out any more than the next person. We're all in the same boat- swimming blindly, hoping there is in fact a shore somewhere out in the distance.<br />
<br />
When someone tells me how impressed they are at my schedule, or suggests I take a break, all I know how to do is laugh. I probably should. But, I won't. One, I genuinely love what I do in every sense of the word, and even though at times I may feel like I need a break, I usually don't want one. I love to write, so whenever I can, I will pickup more opportunities to write, not less. For me, it's part of who I am, and I <i>need </i>to write, otherwise I feel bored or without purpose. Two, this pressure has made me fearful that if I do take a day off, I will lose what I've worked so hard for. If I take a 'mental health day,' I will lose that sought-after job opportunity, and be post-graduation swimming in the ocean that is the real world, without a life vest.<br />
<br />
I can say from experience, that burn out is a <i>very </i>real thing. Working and managing an 18 credit schedule on top of extracurricular's, I've experienced it every year. It's best to avoid the burnout, because it can be hard to bounce back.<br />
<br />
I hate disappointing people, so I have a tendency to say 'yes' to everything that is asked of me, regardless of whether or not I actually have time to do it. I will find a way, if it means losing sleep, I will get it done. <i>Work ethic, </i>I told myself. <i style="font-weight: bold;">Balance, </i>is what I remind myself.<br />
<br />
I realize a stark contrast from the beginning of the semester to the end. In the beginning, I will have work, school, clubs, boxing, and anything else I have committed to. Meanwhile at the end of the semester, I will have to reluctantly drop a few commitments to clean up my schedule.<br />
<br />
"It happens to the best of students," one professor reminded me. "The students that are so excited about the program, that they take on too much, and can't carry it all."<br />
<br />
<i>Who is this benefiting? </i>I asked myself.<br />
<br />
The answer is: no one.<br />
<br />
What may start out as an innocent quest to do the best you can, please everyone, and push forward in your career path, leads to disappointment. The truth, whether we like it or not is that we cannot please everyone, and doing so will only make us unhappy.<br />
<br />
My biggest learning lesson has been that it's ok to say no. If you don't have the time, but you agree anyway, no one is going to be empathetic to the fact that you have a busy schedule and are also juggling three other commitments. They will see that you agreed to do it, and were therefore capable, but you didn't meet the expectations. <i>Give yourself a break, and be realistic. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
For now, my biggest issue is finding balance, something I think many people work their entire lives to find and achieve. That's the one thing I want a jump start on. <i>Slowing down, living in the moment, and enjoying the journey, so I can truly enjoy my accomplishments when I achieve them.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
In the great words of Rodney Atkins, "If you're keeping it simple or you make a big scene// if you're doing your best and you make a mess of things, // if you're trying, if you're crying, all that really means// is you're doing it right."<br />
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It is important to remember that all the pressure that you perceive is merely vapor. You're the one who will be living the life you choose to lead, so don't let other people choose that direction for you. There is no one-way path you should expect to take after college. There will be multiple detours along the way, and that's all a part of the journey. Pursue that journey whatever way you see fit for your life and lifestyle, and most importantly, find the balance, and enjoy the journey while you're on it.<br />
<br />
Take a deep breath, because you're doing it right.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Pretty Balanced Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08229184858498708366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-445855123236729588.post-64063740989130069682015-07-15T08:09:00.001-07:002015-07-15T08:09:19.857-07:00Gratitude turns what you have into enoughAfter 11 years of battle, and not much progress, gratitude has proven to be the most effective method for loosening the reigns depression has had on my life.<br />
<br />
Like Timber Hawkeye teaches, "gratitude is about turning what you have into enough."<br />
<br />
When you think this way, you leave very little room for sadness to slither it's way into your life. Sometimes, in the chaos of our daily routines, we forget to be grateful for the things not everyone has. When we take the time to acknowledge and appreciate the things we have, we feel at ease, because our lives feel abundant. When you train your brain to think this way, you realize there is very little missing from your life. You just haven't been opening your eyes wide enough to truly see what is in front of you. Whatever it is that you choose to focus your energy on will multiply. If you choose to focus on the negative things, or what is missing in your life, that energy will take over. You will feel sadness, you may feel the need to fill that hole with something that isn't healthy. However, if you choose to focus on all the wonderful things that are already in your life, you will feel content in the moment you're in, in the place you're in. You won't wish for more.<br />
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At first thought, it may seem complicated, or even overwhelming to integrate the idea of gratitude into your life. You may say: "I am grateful for my friends, family, etc." I encourage you to dig deeper. Why are you grateful for them?<br />
<br />
For example, I am grateful for the fact that even though my sister lives 3,000 miles away, my dad lives 1,000 miles away, and my mom 100's of miles away, I never feel that distance. We are still closer than we've ever been, and stay connected through the phone, letters, and visits as much as we can. I am grateful for the friendships that are easy. Even when we are on vacations, and don't live in the same states, nobody has to put too much effort into the friendship, it's natural. We can go weeks without talking, and with one phone call, we pick up where we left off. The people in your life will always be there, and are just one phone call away. That's how you know you have surrounded yourself with the right people.<br />
<br />
You can slowly add the notion of gratitude into your life by thinking of three things you are grateful at the end of each day. This helps to reinforce the idea that you have enough, and keeps you happy. Of course, it helps to think about the big picture, too. It helps to avoid taking things for granted.<br />
<br />
For me, I've learned to be grateful for life in general. I have learned how much I have taken it for granted by not treating my body in the right way, and not living up to my fullest potential. I see people lose fights with battles much more severe than mine. These are people who were clinging desperately to a life they weren't ready to let go of. But they weren't given a choice. And here I was: selfishly wishing away a perfectly good life.<br />
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Everyone is on their own path, at their own pace. It's not only important, but essential to acknowledge and honor the progress of others.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>What are you grateful for?</i></div>
Pretty Balanced Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08229184858498708366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-445855123236729588.post-27019867115497440392015-06-29T20:50:00.001-07:002015-06-29T20:50:07.149-07:00Writing is... I used to think it was very strange to see how often writers were writing about writing, and what writing 'is.'<br />
<br />
"Isn't it obvious?" I thought in ignorance. "If you chose to write, you must know."<br />
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I know now that it's not that easy. I truly believe everyone is capable of writing, but not every one is capable of calling themselves a writer. Although I have been writing since I learned how to hold a pen, I don't know if I would call myself a writer just yet. While most writers often have a set schedule for writing, I am often guilty of being a sporadic writer, which makes me a waiter.<br />
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It's not so much that I wait to stumble upon inspiration. Everything inspires me. If I wrote like that, I would never leave my computer. It's more that I wait until it isn't so painful for me to put what I really want to write about in ink. Which is the worst thing you can possibly do, because you lose a little bit. Sure, I can easily write about something else, but let's be real, how many writers sit down and write when they're happy about something.<br />
<br />
I hear a lot of people say what I write is too personal, too deep, things along those lines. Since I started writing, I have always been honest. That raw emotion is something that will always be in my writing. I don't care who likes it, or what anybody has to say about it, because what I say will always be the truth.<br />
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My number one rule for writing is to never look back. Once I have written what I <strike>wanted</strike> needed to, I never go back and edit. Often, I don't even re-read it. I have had instances where I wrote about something that really hurt me, and rereading it sent me into a depression. I didn't write for a year after that. I don't reread anymore. I want to move forward. To go back and edit would be a disservice to the moment. If you edit, you alter your state of being in the moment you sat down to write that piece. The words you wrote was everything you were thinking and feeling in that moment. No one was in your head. It was you alone with your thoughts and your emotions. That's where the raw honesty comes from. It's not something that can be toyed with. If you try to fake it, people will catch on right away. You can't feign honesty. That makes you a bullshitter.<br />
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Anybody can write. You can sit down and recap your day, write about how much you love your boyfriend, or how much your mom's rules suck, anything. It takes a special kind of person to be a writer. Writing provides a confidence that no other medium can provide. Your voice is uniquely yours, and no one can take that away from you. You have a voice, why wouldn't you want to be heard?<br />
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Being a writer is extremely painful sometimes. Putting your most painful experiences in ink is draining. To do that everyday of your life is to bleed. I have never had an open wound that felt so good.<br />
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Although it may hurt sometimes, not writing hurts a lot worse than it does to let it out. Think of it this way: if I don't write, the emotions, the thoughts, and the hurt is trapped inside of me. I feel heavy, weighed down. Once it's out, I have confronted any lingering demons that I needed to address, and I can move forward in a healthy way. <i>Liberation. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Writers are often quiet. It's not because we're weird (well, sometimes), but I think it's more because we're all sponges. We are constantly observing and listening to what is happening around us. Writers are quiet, because we spend a lot of time trying to make sense of a world that does not and might not ever make sense. I like to say writers have a heightened sense of emotion and feeling. We <i>feel </i>everything on a deeper level than ordinary people do. It's not a bad thing, but not everyone can do it. <i>It's hard. </i>Your brain never sleeps. If your emotions have not already gotten the best for you, you feel for other people, too.<br />
<br />Writing sucks (sometimes). It's impatient, painful, challenging. But, it's also liberating, fearless, and beautiful. To me, it's hand-in-hand with breathing: a way to sort through all the noise in the world, and focus on what makes sense, or what no longer does. Writing sucks sometimes, but it is the greatest and most challenging thing you can ever do. Writing sucks sometimes, but I will never put down my pen.Pretty Balanced Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08229184858498708366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-445855123236729588.post-41073925045672592752015-05-29T11:38:00.002-07:002015-05-29T11:52:07.786-07:00Free Spirit Fantasy <blockquote class="tr_bq">
"If you try to tame her, she will fly away, because pretty little spirits like her never like to be caged." -Nikki Rowe</blockquote>
<br />
Spir-it<br />
/'spirit/<br />
noun<br />
<br />
1. the nonphysical part of a person that is the seat of emotions and character; the soul.<br />
<br />
Free Spirit<br />
noun<br />
<br />
1. an independent or uninhibited person<br />
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<br />
I've been referred to as a 'free spirit' quite a few times. I hear the term get tossed around a lot, but I think it's one of those terms that have a different meaning for everyone. While some people believe it to have a negative connotation, I believe otherwise. Everyone is a free spirit in their own sense, as it should be. Life is meant to be lived free. Your soul should feel light and free, not bruised and stifled.<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif-light, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 15.6000003814697px;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif-light, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 15.6000003814697px;">For me, being a free spirit means not being married to any one thing. I am completely open to whatever possibilities life may present me. I am young, single, I am not opposed to leaving my city to explore other areas. I don't have anyone or anything here that would stop me from packing up my suitcase, and leaving. Luckily, I am in a career where I really can be anywhere and everywhere, so long as I have a laptop. And I love that. Nothing in this life is permanent, and once you learn to accept that fact, life will be a lot easier for you.</span><br />
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I think part of the reason free spirits are misunderstood, is because many people can not understand how someone can be so independent. Free spirits don't want to have to rely on anyone, because they fear disappointment or rejection. So before this can happen, they run. While the independence can often be mistaken for arrogance or selfishness, it is quite the opposite. Many people who refer to themselves as free spirits have major or minor pasts that involved quit e a bit of self-destruction. Now, they spend the present focused on self-repair.<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif-light, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 15.6000003814697px;"><br /></span>When I am not in school, or working, I spend my time off traveling or exploring. At any given time, I can be found living out of a suitcase for months after vacation ends. I love the feeling of leaving, and picking up in a place you've never known. Trying new restaurants, meeting new friends, adventuring up and down roads you've never been on. I love going places where I don't have cell phone service. The sights are for my eyes only. I am seeing them with my own eyes, not the lens of my iPhone or camera. I don't have to check in with anyone, and no one knows what I'm doing at any and every given moment. It's liberating.<br />
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I live in a beautiful city. Sometimes, it makes me sad how often that I take it for granted by wishing I was somewhere else. I'm at a point in my life where I'm not ready to plant roots. I'm still moving back and forth between New York and Florida, and when I'm not doing that, I like to go elsewhere. Any time I can, I go as far as I can.<br />
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Being free is not trying to be hippie, or any other kind of label. It's exactly the opposite. It's being blind to the 'trends' of what is 'cool' and 'not cool,' and creating your own 'cool.' If you like something, wear it. If you enjoy doing an activity that your friends don't want to do, go alone. If you do what you enjoy without worrying about anyone else, you may meet people who share the same interests along the way. If not, you still spent your day doing something that makes you happy.<br />
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I don't like being told what to do. I'm not talking in terms of law or at work. I follow the law, and I love what I do so much, it's almost unfair to the system to call it work. I do what I love, and get a paycheck at the end of the week. I have no complaints about that. My style is very eclectic. I don't think it can really be defined. One day I may dress like a 70 year old grandma, another day I might dress in all black, and another day I will wear a dress and cowboy boots. I have shirts that are ugly, but I love them. If I don't feel like wearing makeup one day, I won't. If you disagree or disapprove of my appearance, I don't mind, because it doesn't your opinion won't affect my decisions. Being free is surrounding yourself with people who make you happy and encourage you to be the best version of yourself that you can be. They accept your flaws, and love who you are regardless.<br />
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I'm finally getting to that point in my life where I'm learning to be a little bit selfish, and put myself first. I'm surrounding myself with the people who enjoy my company, and I enjoy theirs. There is no better feeling than having people in your life who accept every quirk, flaw, and unique aspect of your personality. I'm not wasting my time searching for validation, because I have already given it to myself. I've had a lot of loss in the past, that made me extremely protective of the things I love. I guard my family, friends, work life, and happiness with a lot more care than I used to. That's something I'm very proud of. I hope my independence is never mistaken for arrogance. There is nothing shameful about being able to stand on your own two feet, and be comfortable that those feet are your own. Stop measuring your life progress by the checkpoints society tells you you should have hit (college, moving out of your house, work, marriage, babies). Be happy where you are at. Be proud of your accomplishments, because they are entirely your own.<br />
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<br />Pretty Balanced Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08229184858498708366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-445855123236729588.post-26010281645883529772015-05-21T10:33:00.001-07:002015-05-21T10:33:25.414-07:00Understanding DepressionI remember being a kid going on vacation with my dad, and crossing the bridges in New York City. Going over the bridges, I was never scared, just curious. Not curious about the length, structure, or the potential of it collapsing into the water. I was curious about why so many people jumped off bridges.<br />
<br />
“How could somebody be so unhappy that they want to end their own life?” I asked my dad.<br />
<br />
He told me something along the lines of circumstance. So many things have had to have gone wrong in their life that it snowballed into something that was much larger than them. They felt trapped, and desired a quick solution.<br />
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I still didn’t understand, but I sympathized. I wasn’t sure why I sympathized with a situation in which I knew nothing about, but I believed that everybody should enjoy their life.<br />
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The last time I remember being truly happy, I was eight years old. At eight years old, I didn’t have a phone, I didn’t text, and my parents were still together. At eight years old, my biggest concerns in the world was who was going to take me to basketball practice, and how could I get my mom to let me stay up past 9:30?<br />
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I think it’s important for people to remember that depression does not always mean that the sufferer has a bad life, or that they are always sad. For me, I don’t know what external factors causes my depression to rebound like a boomerang, thrashing through my life, whenever I begin to feel the slightest bit settled. It is not something you choose. No human being, regardless of life circumstance would choose mental illness.<br />
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It is less about placing blame, and more about finding a solution. We all get to points in our lives that we go through some rough patches. A mental illness is much like any other illness in the sense that it needs to be treated. Why is it that it is so easy to get antibiotics when you have a sore throat, but when someone says they’re feeling blue, so many people try to avoid talking about it? By addressing what may appear ‘uncomfortable,’ we will get comfortable. Life is tough, and it is a lot more bearable when we help each other through it through understanding and compassion. Untreated, depression can be life-threatening. The world will be a lot brighter for many people when we stop avoiding things we know nothing about. Take the time to learn something new and try to understand somebody else’s circumstance, you’ll become all the better for it.<br />
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I am extremely fortunate to have a strong support system in my family and close friends. I am fortunate that when they see me start to slip, they work as a team to pull me out of the darkness.<br />
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For me, I have happy moments. I feel as if living with depression means, your equilibrium is set at numb. You are still capable of feeling joy, but it comes in small doses. On the opposite end of the spectrum, the sadness comes in much heavier packages. This packages is dropped on top of the sufferer, leaving them lying on the floor, flat as a pancake. At this, it takes mustering all of your inner strength, plus some borrowed from outside support to slowly rebuild the trust in your limbs. When you manage to do so, you stand up tall, stretch your arms out to the sky and soak up the sun, and the weight breaks you down again. The longer you suffer, the shorter it seems the span is between each cycle. <br />
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The important thing I think a person can do for a friend or loved one who has depression is be sympathetic. Never ever blame a bad day on depression. I know it can be aggravating when plans get canceled, or moods are low, but have patience. Don’t wait until you are in the same position to develop sympathy. Depression is not something that can be controlled. No one chooses depression, depression chooses you. Whether it is life circumstances gone awry, or unbalance in brain chemistry, depression is anything but a choice.<br />
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Be a friend when you see someone needs them. Listen more. Ask what you can do. Sometimes, all someone suffering with depression needs is patience, love, and understanding.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
Pretty Balanced Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08229184858498708366noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-445855123236729588.post-76299961655878328212015-05-10T18:13:00.002-07:002015-05-10T18:13:45.300-07:00For The Mothers To all of the mothers-<br />
To the single moms who serve as two parents without ever blinking an eye, to the dads who have taken on the role of a mother, all the while serving as our superhero daddies, to the strong women in our lives who may have never had children, but loved us like their own; This day is for you to show appreciation for all that you have done, and continue to do, without ever asking for anything in return. <br />
<br />
I heard someone say that "thank you" is what you say when someone holds the door open for you, or lets you cut in front of them on the highway. "Thank you" to the woman who gave you life, or supported you throughout your life seems almost insulting: a flat, cliche gesture. So what do you say?<br />
<br />
The answer is: <i>there are no words. </i><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Only actions. </b></div>
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It doesn't matter what your current relationship may be with your mom, <b>call her.</b> If you have a distant relationship, take the initiative to open the lines of communication no matter how difficult it may be. Take that opportunity while you have the option to do so. If you don't talk to your mom as much as you would like, make a promise to yourself to call her more often. She needs you there. She wants you there. Be there.<br />
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There are not enough words to express the gratitude you feel for all of the times you were kept up at night with a hurt stomach, and your mom sat by your bed until you fell asleep. The feeling of relief for all of the times you were going through a breakup, and your mom hung on the phone, listening to you cry your heart out for hours at a time. Whether it was falling off a bike, coming home from school early with a sore throat, or a heartbreak, where you swear your world is coming to an end: mom was always there.<br />
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No matter what your dream might have been, your mom always seemed to have more faith in your ability than you believed yourself. Although, she encouraged you to be realistic with your dreams to avoid future disappointment, she wholeheartedly supported any endeavor you wished to pursue. Remember: mom has always been, and always will be on your team. She's wearing the team jersey, after all.<br />
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Whether you want to admit it or not, growing up you refused her advice. You wanted to be an adult so bad. You insisted her rules were suffocating, you might have even muttered the words "I hate you" on occasion, out of frustration. You swore you couldn't wait until the day you could move out of the house. <b>None of that was true. </b>If you didn't know it then, <u>you know it now</u>.<br />
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The truth is sometimes, us kids tend to let our pride get in the way of accepting the truth from someone we know knows best, <i>all the time. </i>It can be frustrating to admit that someone is right <i>all of the time, </i>and that somebody is not you. Mom, we may acknowledge that you have never been wrong in the past, but we will always hang on to that small glimmer of pride that suggests maybe this time we will prove you wrong. Maybe this time we will teach you that we know a little something about life, too. <i>This is not usually the case. </i>There's a reason they say mom know best.<br />
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As we get older, we learn to appreciate moms better judgment and her wise advice that she so desperately tried to pass down to us.<br />
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The encouragement she provided never halted after high school. If anything, it only got stronger.<br />
Mom is always the first one to step up when you need guidance, encouraging words, a pep talk or three, or that kick in the ass that you need.<br />
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Once in college we have the freedom that we so desperately begged for, only now, <i>we don't want it. </i>In the first few weeks of college and living away from home, you encounter all the things your mom warned you about. You take a deep breath, realizing she prepared you for these moments. Only now it's up to you whether you want to listen to her, or you want to give in to your pride egging you on to find out for yourself.<br />
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I for one, feel entirely grateful for my mom preparing me for those moments. Because my mom put the trust in me to make my own decisions, I didn't want to let her down. With freedom comes responsibility. I don't want to test the waters. I'm not interested in finding out what happens if I betray someones better judgment. I wanted to prove that: contrary to popular familial beliefs, lectures weren't going "in one ear, and out the other." I was listening, and taking notes the whole time, and college was my chance to prove it.<br />
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Mom, I will never take for granted the fact that I have you in my life. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have your support. I couldn't imagine having anyone else on my side. Although we don't live in the same city anymore, I never feel the distance. Thank you for answering the phone at all hours of the day when I need you. I value your advice in life and my career. To date you have never steered me wrong once. Although you are always right, I can't say that I won't try to make my own decision, just to be sure.<br />
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Thank you for all of the times you have been patient with me when no one else was. Thank you for sticking by my side even when it was difficult.<br />
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I'm sorry for all the macaroni necklaces. I'm sorry I fell in love with journalism, so macaroni necklaces won't be a thing of the past anytime soon.<br />
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Moms, this day is for you, to appreciate all that you do.</div>
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<br />Pretty Balanced Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08229184858498708366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-445855123236729588.post-2097598192105517172015-04-29T19:46:00.001-07:002015-04-29T20:27:25.030-07:00Tampa Tribune Internship: Recap and Wrap Up This Tuesday was my last day interning with the <i>Tampa Tribune. </i>I've had a great experience interning and writing for Metro.<br />
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Walking into the newsroom on Tuesday was definitely surreal, because every week I was there, I felt so comfortable. During the course of my internship, I have become more and more sure each week that this is what I was made to do. I love every aspect of the job. I love the uncertainty. Going in each week, you have no idea what kind of story you are going to write, because it is different each time. I have covered a wide range of topics, and I love that. Each story is different, and it never gets boring. My favorite thing is interviewing people. Depending on the type of story, I like hearing people tell me about what their passionate about, I like hearing each side to every story to allow my story to have that balance. I have heard some powerful and moving stories during this time.<br />
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The worst part for me each week was leaving. Because I was only taking internship for two credits, I could only be in the newsroom for seven hours each week. The real walk of shame, I've learned is finally getting on a roll in your story, then having to stop the flow to shut down your laptop and go home for the day. Walking out each day, I debated if I should just bring a sleeping bag in the next week, and camp out under my desk.<br />
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Walking in the first day with the other interns, we were so sure that we would be referred to as "intern 1," "intern 2," "intern 3," etc. However, everyone at the Tribune was so welcoming and excited to meet us. Most of the staff knew our names. It was shocking to me to have the managing editor know our full names, who we were writing for, and what section we were with. After introductions, we all were handed reporters journals and press passes. Being the journalism nerds that we all our, obviously we stared at it every hour on the hour, just to make sure it was real. We had our own desks, our own extension number, and our own emails. Prior to coming in, I expected I would maybe sit in the corner of someone's cubicle, or maybe if I was lucky get a chair, and fact check their article before it got published. Honestly, I would have been excited to do this, just because it was in a newsroom, and not a classroom.<br />
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This was not the case at all. We all got assignments on our first day. My favorite part about this experience, was that my editor started all of my assignments with, "I don't know how you're going to pull this off," or "I don't know how much you will get accomplished in such a short amount of time, but see how you do," and I pulled it off every time.<br />
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I thrive on being challenged, and I love the pressure that being in the newsroom sometimes brings.<br />
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I am so grateful for our Professor, Tiffini Theisen for everything she has done for me and all of the other interns this semester. It has truly been an honor getting to learn from you. I have gained so much from Multimedia this year. Who would have thought that I would ever go from not understanding a single aspect of digital to being obsessed with audio, pictures, video and editing?! Thank you for your patience and sharing your experience with us. Thank you for being the guidance that we needed all semester to push us in the right direction, provide advice, and the occasional pep talk that we all need sometimes. You have truly made me a better journalist, and we will miss you so much next year.<br />
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I was lucky to work with such hardworking journalists who inspired me and challenged me each day to be a better journalist. Thank you for all of your guidance and pep talks along the way.<br />
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<b>What I've Learned:</b><br />
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<b>-Talk to everyone. You never know who someone knows, or what information they have. At my boxing gym, I have met a journalist who works with Nancy Grace, and my trainer has contacts at the sheriffs department. I would have never known this if I wasn't always trying to make small talk with everyone around me. </b><br />
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<b>-Not every story tip is a story and that's OK. After receiving a tip, do a quick search. Who gave the tip? Are they credible? Is this story interesting? Is it relevant? Is the tip truthful? A quick search will usually be all it takes to determine whether or not you want to pursue the story. </b><br />
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<b>-Write how you talk. You're not trying to impress anyone, you're trying to convey a story. What is the quickest, most effective way to do this? Write like you're talking to a friend, not like you're practicing for the SAT's. </b><br />
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<b>-Pay attention in class. Things that come in handy on the job are the things that may not seem important to you at the time. For example, when your professor is teaching you InDesign, or how to look up property assessment or public record. You may not need it then, but you will definitely need it in the future. Also, your professors all have previous experience in the industry. Listen to their advice. Ask them about their career path and what jobs they've had and how they got to where they are. </b><br />
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<b>-Not everyone will call you back or answer your emails, they often "forget." <i>Persistence. </i>Call back three, four, five times. Leave emails and follow up. Do whatever it takes. </b><br />
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<b>-Follow up. Sometimes, your story will change before publication. Follow up with details to make sure they are still relevant before your story is published.</b><br />
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<b>-Stay open minded. You do not direct the story, the details that unfold will direct you. What you think is the main idea of the story, may not be the main idea at all. This point may change several times as more details come to light. </b><br />
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<b>-Every story has at least three sides: side A, side B, and the truth. </b><br />
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<b>-Don't say "asshole" in the newsroom. More than one person will turn around at any given moment.</b><br />
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<b>-Get quotes from both sides. As a journalist, you do not want to have bias in your story. Get both sides of the story and get enough information that will allow your reader to formulate their own conclusion. </b><br />
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<b>-Keep a source book. As you gather contacts, it helps to store them in one place to stay organized. You will often use the same sources so you want to have this information on hand. </b><br />
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<b>-Keep your eyes and ears open. You never know where you'll find a story. </b><br />
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<b>-Don't bring chili to the newsroom, it smells. (see: Tuna). There should be a chapter on this in the next edition of the AP Stylebook.</b><br />
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<br />Pretty Balanced Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08229184858498708366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-445855123236729588.post-62759054252625573062015-03-25T09:57:00.001-07:002015-03-25T09:57:23.428-07:00Disconnected in a World of Connectivity According to Merriam-Webster dictionary, connection by definition, is a "a relation of personal intimacy." In the age of instant connection, we have become more disconnected than ever as a whole. There are so many outlets that allow us to search friends and family members that we may have lost touch with somewhere in the past. Not only are we able to receive information about where a person is living and working today, we can get updates on their life down to the minute through outlets like Twitter and Instagram. While these outlets have many undeniable benefits, where do we draw the line on updating the public about our day-to-day activities?<br />
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Check my Twitter to see my rants about traffic on the way to work, complaints about slow grocery store lines, or passive aggressiveness towards friends who are constantly on their phone, but never seem to "get my texts."<br />
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Check my Instagram for pictures of my lunch- did you hear I'm trying out a new diet? Try to contain your "awww" at the sight of my chubby baby legs on #TBT. If I don't post pictures of my boyfriend every Monday with #MCM, is it really love at all?<br />
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Where do we draw the line and why do we care about these things? Excessive use of social media inevitable leads to comparing our progress in life with the progress of those we went to high school with, worked alongside briefly, and possibly someone we never even met. <i>Why do we need someone else's permission to accept where we are in our own lives? </i>Give yourself permission to appreciate how far you have come in life. Whether you made it through school, got a promotion, got engaged, you are allowed to cheer yourself on and be proud of all that you've done. That doesn't mean you need to do so publicly.<br />
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A relationship is meant to be between two people. Why do we feel the need to share the intimate details behind it with the world? Take more time to focus on building your relationship with your boyfriend or girlfriend, and spend less time trying to frame that relationship in the perfect light (or filter).<br />
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Since when did connection mean drawing us farther apart? It's something I think about when I have no phone, because it's so incredibly liberating. Without a phone, I can be fully focused on the conversation I am in. I can actually be <i>in the moment. </i>When I shut down my laptop to go for a walk, go to class, or have lunch with a friend, the re-connection is done and I'm solely focused on the moment I'm in. I'm not catching up with a long lost friend, placing my mindset in the past. I'm not worried about the future and my plans for Friday, I'm only concerned with <i>right now. </i>You have my full attention.<br />
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I crave human connection on a deeper level than being your "friend" on Facebook. I want to have a conversation that doesn't start with "what's up." Connection to me is knowing someones fears and why they believe those irrational things are out to get them. To know someone, I want to know their dreams, even if it's a long-shot. I want to know how they plan to get there. I want to see the fire ignite in their eyes as they talk about their passions.<br />
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I crave more than an insignificant and distant connection.Pretty Balanced Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08229184858498708366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-445855123236729588.post-41047556774671848182015-03-01T13:34:00.003-08:002015-03-01T13:34:57.326-08:0020 Things I Learned Sophomore Year in CollegeSophomore year is far from over, but I've already learned so much about myself, and the people around me. I consider myself to be a sponge. I am always learning, soaking up whatever I can. Whenever someone I know talks to me about a mistake they made, I try to see if I can figure out where they went wrong, so I could avoid that situation in my own life. Although it takes me longer to learn lessons from my own wrongdoings, I eventually get the message. I am grateful for every mistake and wrong turn that I've made in my life, because without it, I wouldn't have been taught anything. I am grateful for the people good and bad who have walked in and out of my life, because they have all had something to teach me: lessons that I will hold close to my heart, and hopefully in my mind for my entire life.<br />
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Sophomore year far from over, but sophomore year has not been shy to silly slap me with reality, to remind me that I am not always in control.<br />
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Here's what came as a result of that slap from reality:<br />
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<b>1. Ask for help- </b>I am someone who does not like talking about their feelings, ever, and that's why I write. However, no one can help you if you don't ask. People don't read minds. More than likely, there are a group of people who are ready to be there for you, should you let them in. And you should.<br />
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<b>2. People grow apart and go their separate ways-</b><b> </b>More often than not, we are protected in college by the harshness of reality. The reality is: eventually you are going to go your separate ways from the people you now see everyday. Emails and text messages will phase out, Skype won't happen. Appreciate the memories for what they are, and don't dwell on the past.<br />
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<b>3. Sweat it out everyday- </b>I get that after a long day of work and/or classes, you are mentally exhausted, and you don't want to be physically exhausted, too. It is important to take time each day, if only for 30 minutes for a workout. You will never regret it.<br />
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<b>4. Step out of your comfort zone- </b>Smile at people you don't know, talk to those who are in the elevator with you. Take chances that you're not sure of. Make mistakes, and dust yourself off. Go at things alone. It is your dream you're going after, and no one is going to hold your hand along the way. If it was a comfortable road, there would be more people on it.<br />
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<b>5. Look UP from your phone- </b>Stop hiding behind your screen. You are missing so much. While walking to class on campus, everyone looks like a bunch of zombies, with their heads down, captivated by their screens. Put your phone in your bag, and take a look around. It's a beautiful day, but you would never know it. Would you rather see the flowers bloom in real life, or through someone else's Instagram page? Stop trying to capture every moment, and live in it. Talk to the people around you, smile at strangers, and make yourself approachable. Stop fearing awkward moments, and being scared of silence.<br />
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<b>6. Pay attention to how people react to that new guy you're interested in- </b>If your mom, sister, and best friends all hate him, they're probably not wrong. There's something your making yourself blind to, that they can see. These are the people who know you best, and know who is not right for you. Don't be angry with them, but take a second look at what you might have overlooked.<br />
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<b>7. Mom is always right- </b>This is a lesson that I will re-learn every year, because I never listen. Your mom knows you best. She knows what people aren't right for you, and may potentially be holding you back. Your mom is the person that is always there to listen to you talk about your dreams, and what you want out of the world. If she reminds you something isn't what you want, or may stand in the way of what it is you want, listen. Your mom got her wisdom from your grandma, so she is doubly wise. When she gives you advice, take notes.<br />
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<b>8. If someone is desperate for you, they are of no use to you- </b>Desperation is a sad and lonely disease. If someone is desperate for you, they don't want you. They want someone. They are trying to patch their loneliness with a body, and that body doesn't have to be yours. You are more than that, and you deserve more than that.<br />
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<b>9. Trust your gut- </b>it knows almost as much as your mom.<br />
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<b>10. When someone shows you their true colors, believe them- </b>When someone acts shady, says something rude to you, or does something that goes against your morals, an apology doesn't make all of that disappear. When someone acts differently than how you perceived them, you have a separate image of them in your head of what you want them to be. You love the thought of them. Take them as they are, and all that they're showing you that they are. If they hint that they're not a good person, believe them, and walk away. Stop putting up with it.<br />
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<b>11. Take time for yourself and take time to have fun- </b>Sophomore year is a lot different than freshman year in the sense that you actually have work now. Don't let being busy run your life. It is important to have down time for yourself each day in order to remain sane. Don't let being busy serve as an excuse to blow off your friends. If you keep telling them no, eventually they will stop asking. You have time for lunch.<br />
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<b>12. Talk to your professors- </b>They are experts in your field. Most professors are really sweet and more than willing to help you get to where you want to be. Most professors have worked in the field, before they started teaching. Find out what it is that they did, how did they go about getting their job. Overall, just be nice. Show your professors respect. Show up to class, don't show up in sweatpants or your bathing suit. Act like going to class is you going to work, because it kind of is at the moment.<br />
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<b>13. Chase your dreams with both hands- </b>Actions> words. Don't tell people what you want, prove it to them by getting it. No dream is unattainable. Go for it.<br />
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<b>14. Your family is always on your team.</b><br />
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<b>15. Let people laugh at your dreams- </b>Then laugh harder when you're where you want to be, and they're at home.<br />
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<b>16. Smile, talk to strangers, compliment people and </b><i style="font-weight: bold;">mean it.- </i>It goes a long way, farther than you will realize. <b> </b><br />
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<b>17. Experience everything- </b>If you're presented with the opportunity to ride a mechanical bull, do it. You may get an oddly shaped bruised to show for it. You never know when and if you will get the chance to do that again. Go on road trips that weren't planned, explore your town, explore different cities, and do it with your eyes wide open.<br />
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<b>18. Make mistakes and get lost- </b>This is the only way for you to keep learning, and eventually grow. Once you stop making mistakes, you stop living.<br />
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<b>19. Don't let a broken heart make you cold- </b>So you've got your heart broken? So have most people. Don't let one broken heart force you to stop loving. Don't take your past out on other people. People are not all the same. Take risks in love.<br />
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<b>20. Be a sponge- </b>Learn from everything and everyone. Everyone has their own story, and therefore, something to teach you. Learn from their mistakes, and hopefully that will teach you to learn from yours. It'll come in time.<br />
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<br />Pretty Balanced Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08229184858498708366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-445855123236729588.post-5123685724057106702015-02-26T09:04:00.002-08:002015-02-26T09:04:34.269-08:00Dream OnOne of the many things that I've learned from my family, is that dreams have no limitations, if you're willing to put in the work. <div>
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Growing up in a small town, many people feel like they're boxed into the confines of the town limits: they know everyone they grow up with, graduate high school, attend the local community college, move on to get a degree in something they're not passionate about, settle for a job with average pay, then start a family of their own somewhere along the way, and the cycle starts again. Call it "the small town curse." This is not the case for the dreamers, for the wanderers, for those who wish to explore different avenues in larger cities, and will stop at nothing to do so. </div>
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Growing up in a small town, I didn't know of many people who have left. We've had a few (notably one) who left to pursue music, and they will probably be the talk of the town for the next century. So when my sister told me that she was planning to move across to country to California, to a big city to pursue her dream of becoming a lawyer, I laughed so hard I cried. </div>
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"Good luck trying to convince mom," I told her. </div>
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My sister does not talk about her feelings a lot, so I remember this day clearly. She looked me in the eyes, and explained her dreams to me, and explained how hard she is working to make it happen. I believed her, and I believed in her. </div>
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Mom was not happy, but was willing to help her if she did her part of getting into a good school, and getting a reasonable amount of scholarship to make the move worthwhile. She did. After she moved, my mom cried for two weeks, maybe more. Sometimes, I would catch her crying holding on to a picture of my sister. </div>
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"What are you mourning for?" I asked her, "She's still alive." </div>
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"I'm just sad," she cried.<br /></div>
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"Why did you let her go?" I questioned, although, the first night she was gone, I slept in her bed, missing her more than I thought I ever would. </div>
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"I would never hold my girls back from their dreams, just because I will miss them," she said. "That would be selfish of me, I want the best for the both of you. Always." </div>
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This would not be the first time my mom would remind us that she is always on our team. She is waving the team flag, she would say. We have to trust her, because she only wants the best for us. I wonder if she ever regrets saying that, when we call her at 2 in the morning to tell her a joke that isn't funny, or we call her twelve times a week, crying over the same stupid boy. </div>
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Since I was ten years old, I never had a home. After my parents divorce, I spent half my time at my moms house, and half at my dads house, very careful that each parent was getting enough time and attention. I never felt like I had a place I could call my own. This continued when we moved to Florida, traveling back and forth from New York to Tampa, to see my friends back home, and leaving behind those I never took the time to make in my new "home." I'm unsettled and still roaming. Just like my sister, I want to find my place. After exploring Tampa, and realizing I don't belong in a big city, I have always dreamed of moving my roots permanently to Tennessee. That's my place, I'm sure of it. It is comforting to me that although the dream might sound crazy, my family never laughed at me not once, but is supportive. </div>
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First step is graduation, which I am trying to make happen earlier. My mom on board, said just like she did for my sister, she wants to help me make the move. This touched my heart, because I have never felt more at home and more comfortable in my situation, than I did while I was in Tennessee. I felt a sense of belonging for the first time. I want to pick up my city roots, and settle for the first time in a small town. I want to work at a small town paper, where I can do what I love everyday, comfortably. My only dream in life is to keep going up. I never want someone to look back on all of my accomplishments and say, "oh yeah, that's where she peaked," or "what happened to her? she was doing so well?" I set high standards for myself, and from here, the only place to go is up. Keep challenging my comfort zone, keep putting in the work, keep dreaming, and making those dreams come to life. </div>
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<i>The only limitations on your dreams, are the ones you impose on yourself. </i></div>
Pretty Balanced Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08229184858498708366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-445855123236729588.post-71284558869750677002015-02-15T10:23:00.001-08:002015-02-15T10:23:21.374-08:00Write Yourself Alive: Day 17: Romance Isn't Dead <div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; text-decoration: underline;">Romance Isn’t Dead</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">You are a romantic, you say, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">as we walk hand-in-hand </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">towards the sunset. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">So romantic, I thought, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">that your girlfriend is at home </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">waiting for you to return. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Pretty Balanced Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08229184858498708366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-445855123236729588.post-5369626736784655772015-02-13T23:07:00.003-08:002015-02-14T16:23:02.946-08:00Stop Being Scared of Being Alone <blockquote class="tr_bq">
"So what are <i>you</i> doing for Valentine's Day?" my roommate passive aggressively asked me one afternoon. </blockquote>
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"Probably going to watch Nicholas Sparks in my pajamas," I told her. "Same as always."</blockquote>
I'm at a point in my life where I've never felt more comfortable being alone. I'm really proud of my 11 P.M. bedtime. I'm also really proud of the fact that I don't have to share my twin bed with anybody.<br />
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The pressure to be in a relationship used to take a toll on me, like it does a lot of college students. I would often stress about it, but I was just never willing to settle for someone my heart just didn't connect with. I was never willing to settle for someone who wasn't everything I dreamed of. I wasn't willing to settle for a love that I wasn't excited about. Love isn't a thing that can be forced, measure in an amount of time, or meet a set of expectations, it just happens. And it should happen naturally, not because outside forces were pushing for it.<br />
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I have always been independent, and I have a hard time depending on someone else when I don't need to. My mother raised me to never require validation from another to feel comfortable in my skin, and for that I will always be grateful. My mother raised me to be comfortable on my own, and not feel the need to be waiting around on a man. My mother raised me to never lower my standards, and settle for a man who is sub-par.<br />
<br />
It's a basic human need to feel loved. Besides that, everybody wants to be loved. Everybody wants someone to share the journey of life with. Being alone and being lonely are not one in the same. At this time, you may not be sharing your life with someone, but you are never alone. There is so much love in your life that you're not aware of. You just have to open your eyes, and open your heart to allow that love in. Break down the walls, and love will flood in.<br />
<br />
It breaks my heart hearing someone I love tell me that they're scared of being alone. I hear it too much. First of all, hello, you're telling someone who loves you beyond belief that no one loves you: that in itself is insulting. Secondly, I just want the people in my life to realize that they're worthy of a love that's great, beautiful, and everything they've ever dreamed of. I never want to see anyone settle for something less than they deserve, simply because they're scared of being alone at a certain point in their life. I think that's the problem in love: too many people are settling, because they don't think there's anything else out there. If we start sticking to the standards of what we expect from our partners, being honest with them and to ourselves, there will be a lot more happily ever afters and a lot less divorce, I think.<br />
<br />
I know a lot of people who are notorious for relationship-hopping. The moment they have a breakup, they're planning dates, and have a new boyfriend or girlfriend the next week. The reason your relationships are failing? You don't know how to be alone! You have to first feel comfortable with yourself, if you ever expect to feel comfortable with another person. If you go through a breakup, you need to give your heart time to heal. If you jump into another relationship too fast, this is when the past sneaks its way into your future. Your old relationship threatens the new one, as you start to put up guards to block issues you had in your old relationship, from making its way into the new one. Solve them first. Don't take out problems you had with an ex, on someone who had nothing to do with it. They are not the same person. Your past should not be their future. If you go through a break up, take your time to heal, but don't be scared to love again. Sure, sometimes things don't work out, but sometimes they do. Sometimes you may get hurt, but sometimes you won't. If you never jump, you'll never fall, but if you never jump, how can you ever feel?<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>Love more, not less. Love fully, not conditionally. </i></blockquote>
I never had a Valentine for Valentine's Day, but I never felt lonely. I have witnessed so many beautiful loves in my life that have been so inspiring to see first-hand. I have had many of my own beautiful loves. Sometimes they didn't end well, but I wouldn't change the lessons they taught me for anything. I am so grateful for all of the lessons I've learned about love through first and second hand experiences. I have so many beautiful souls in my life that it is impossible for me to ever feel alone. I'm grateful to have family that I can call at midnight to tell a funny story, that isn't actually funny, but they listen anyway. I'm grateful that no matter the miles, states, and time differences that separate us, I never feel distant from any of my family members. I'm grateful for the friends who understand when I've had a bad day, and will turn up the music, and jump on the couch, and dance with me. I'm grateful to have friends where we can fight like sisters, and then get over it once someone wants lunch. Being alone doesn't mean you aren't loved. I feel such an abundance of love in my life, and I couldn't possibly wish for anything more. Once you are comfortable in your skin, and learn to love yourself, all the rest will fall into place.<br />
<br />
I never had a Valentine for Valentine's Day, but I want a relationship full of passion 365 days a year, not just 1. And that's what I'm holding out for.<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i><br /></i>
<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
</blockquote>
Pretty Balanced Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08229184858498708366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-445855123236729588.post-82866082382324844432015-02-10T19:47:00.001-08:002015-02-11T08:36:00.420-08:00Write Yourself Alive Course ProgressIt's day 13 of Tyler Knott and Andrea Balt's 'Write Yourself Alive' course, and I can't believe it. Almost 2 weeks in, and I have quite literally wrote myself dead. These prompts are painful. Often, the prompt of the day left me staring at my computer screen for up to two hours, trapped in my own metaphors, unable to find the precise arrangement of words to properly convey what I was hoping to.<br />
<br />
There's pain in honesty, in writing about situations that have scarred you, that you had managed to successfully bury deep for quite some time. There's pain in writing about people that hurt you. To put something in ink means to confront the situation, and accept it. That's painful, and sometimes, a self-induced death sentence. In order to move a matter to ink, you have to pull it out of the great depths of your soul, where it's been hidden for so long.<br />
<br />
For Days 1-5 I was committed to honesty. I allowed myself to confront those situations that used to hold so much power over me. I was determined to confront my demons, release them on paper, then stifle them in ink. I felt empowered. I would write my responses to each prompt religiously before I went to bed each night. Writing at night, and writing in the morning is some of the best times, because you have the silence.<br />
<br />
By day 5, I grew a sense of arrogance in my words. If I was writing about someone who hurt me, I wanted them to know it. You hurt me, it sucked, I sorted it out in ink. Let's move on. Of course, what's the fun in writing about someone who wronged you, if they don't know you did it? <i>Reed it, and weep. </i>What's the point of apologizing to someone, if they've never read it? You did wrong, and so did I, let's move past it. Each person I wrote about, I sent them the piece they inspired. While I didn't receive any responses, I was never expecting that I would.<br />
<br />
While I promised I would open up my wounds, and release the pain, only for a brief moment, and then move past the situation, I submit to the pain. <i>Have mercy. </i><b>Some things hurt too much to be in ink. </b>I created limits for myself- 'no write zones' so to speak. When you get even the slightest feel of heat when one of your limbs accidentally brushes the oven, you don't hold it there, you move your hand. <i>You're gonna get burned. </i><br />
<br />
My schedule this semester is hectic, far too much for me, probably. Instead of allowing myself to enjoy 20 minutes a day of doing what I love, I submit to the chaos. I must get as much done as possible, as quickly as possible. I must not rest. I don't have the time to write. The excuses are our comfort blanket for taking action, that we know will change our lives. We are not ready to accept change. I am not ready to accept change.<br />
<br />
What I realized is how good I felt after I finally gathered the right words, in the right order to convey what I had to say. I felt powerful. I felt the release. What a relief. I feel no better leaving the words trapped inside me, to flow through my veins, and dance around my brain, than I do cutting open the vein, and letting it all drip out. It may hurt, but all wounds heal. It hurts less to let it out, than it does to fight everyday to keep it in. Like John Mayer said, "say what you need to say."<br />
<br />
Two weeks in, I may have tapped out a few times, kicked my feet, and threw my fists in protest, but I am determined to reunite with my keyboard. I owe it to myself to devote the time each day to do what I love. The hardest part is the first glide across the keys, than the hardest part is prying my tight, cramped fingers off the keyboard. If the name of the course is in fact true to the title, two weeks in is the point I should begin to write myself back to life, It only makes sense that in order to 'write yourself alive,' you first have to write yourself to death.<br />
<br />
For these final two weeks, I promise to commit the time necessary each day to complete the prompts. I will break down my walls, and release my tongue to say whatever it needs to say the most to feel free again. I will not protect myself with the comfort of excuse after excuse, and let myself bleed as needed. These final two weeks I will be committed, honest, and fearless. These next two weeks I will write myself back to life.<br />
<i><br /></i>
<br />
<br />Pretty Balanced Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08229184858498708366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-445855123236729588.post-37521246737273809622015-02-04T17:25:00.002-08:002015-02-04T17:25:56.960-08:00Hey Pretty Girl<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Hey pretty girl,</span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">don</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">’t worry </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">whether or not your thighs don't touch. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Hours spent snared in your reflection</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">will serve you no good.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Take a step away from the mirror, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">it’s blurred. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Take a hiatus until you can see clearly. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">It won’t happen overnight, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">but a lesson learned in time. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Practice makes perfect,</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">learning to be fair to yourself. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Quit your pinching, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">your bones were made </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">to hold some meat.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Quit your counting, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">you must nourish your body, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">for it is the only place </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">you have to live. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Quit your counting, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">and hide the scale, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">it will only lie to you. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Hey pretty girl, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">you are not a number. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Quit your pulling</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">and quit your tugging:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">can’t you see,</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">you were made</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">perfectly? </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Hey pretty girl, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">quit your crying-</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">the beauty inside of you</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">is something far too great </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">to overlook. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Hey pretty girl, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I’m trapped inside of you. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Pretty Balanced Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08229184858498708366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-445855123236729588.post-90047543396811533832015-02-02T20:51:00.002-08:002015-02-02T20:51:22.577-08:00I'll See You on the Other Side<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">“He doesn’t have much longer,”</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">the nurses informed us.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">They remained a respectable distance,</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">but somehow, still too close. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">“It’s time to say good-bye,”</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">they said, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">taking a step back </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">to allow more room. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I clutched on tight </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">to my mothers hand, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">hoping if I squeezed tight enough,</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">and shut my eyes hard- </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">the moment we were in</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">would turn out to be </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">a horrible nightmare. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">My pop pop wasn’t sick. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I had just spoken to him on the phone.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">He ensured me everything was fine.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">The surgery went well, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">and he was at home, recovering.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">We laughed, and I told him </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I knew he was a fighter. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I told him, even though we were states apart,</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">if he ever got scared, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">to shut his eyes, and know I was thinking about him.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">The school year was coming to an end,</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">and after my tests were through, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">mom and I were moving south </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">to be closer to Nanny and Pop Pop.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I wasn’t there then, but</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I was there in spirit. All of the time.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">He ensured me everything was fine.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">It made perfect sense to me:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">the source of my strength was</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">one hell of a fighter. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">He ensured me everything was fine, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">but I still called everyday.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I kept him on the phone as long as I could,</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">trying my best to make him laugh. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">He would give me a five minute warning:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Judge Judy was on at four, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">he never missed it. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Our calls got shorter, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">his responses slower. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">But, I still called everyday.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">“I will get on a plane right now,”</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I warned him.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">“I love you,” he said.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">“You have school.”</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I got on a plane the next day.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">My pop pop lay </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">in a hospital bed in the sun room,</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">light shining on his face </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">from every direction.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">So fragile, yet still so handsome.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">So peaceful, yet still so stubborn.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">My pop pop.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">What happened?</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I sat beside his bed for three days.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I held his hand, and told him stories.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I watched Judge Judy, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">and told her she was out of line, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">just like he would often do.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">The nurses would rub my back, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">suggesting it was time for bed.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Angrily, I waved them off. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I didn’t need sleep, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">but to stay right here. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I hoped he wasn’t scared.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I waited until everyone had left</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">the room before I cried.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">“He doesn’t have much longer,”</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">the nurses informed us.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">They remained a respectable distance,</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">but somehow, still too close. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">“It’s time to say good-bye,”</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">they said, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">taking a step back </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">to allow more room. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I didn’t understand the concept.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I wouldn’t say good-bye.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Saying good-bye meant accepting.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Saying good-bye held a sense of finality.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Saying good-bye meant good-bye.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I was stubborn, too, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I wouldn’t say good-bye.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">“Please,”</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I whispered desperately through the tears, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">“Don’t leave me.”</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">“I need you here.”</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">As soon as I uttered the words, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I saw the peace my Pop Pop held. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">He had accepted it, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I was the only one left.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I was stubborn, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">not selfish.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I grabbed his hand. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">“I promise to take care of mom,”</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I started. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">“Nanny will be tough, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">but I will keep her in line, too.”</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I kissed him goodnight.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">“I’ll see you on the other side.” </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Pretty Balanced Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08229184858498708366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-445855123236729588.post-13307873082229088452015-02-01T21:16:00.000-08:002015-02-02T05:53:46.634-08:00I'm Sorry I Let You Drown <div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 12pt;">We were wrong for each other in more ways than one. Everyone around us could see it, and I think at some point, we may have even acknowledged it, too. Though, we wouldn't throw in the towel until we destroyed each other, just to be sure. </span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 21pt;">We were wrong for each other, but we needed each other. Two broken people hoping two halves would make a </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 21pt;">whole. </span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 12pt;">When a relationship is built off a foundation of desperation, the fall is inevitable. We couldn't see that. We wouldn't accept that. We refused any sense, and tuned out outsiders who were relentless in their attempts to see us understand: we were wrong for each other. </span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 21pt;">Circumstance had dropped us in the middle of the ocean, forgetting to provide life preservers, like circumstance often does. Two broken people left to brave the choppy, unforgiving waters of life. I didn't know how to swim. I could have forgotten, but I'm not quite sure I had ever learned. </span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 21pt;">We vowed to face the waves together. We would find the shore, if it killed us. I served as the arms, and he was the legs. I would stroke, and he would kick. I would stroke, and he would kick. </span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 21pt;">When you start out, the sense of determination, the feeling of endless possibility serves as the sail, the driving force pushing you forward. Who needs sense? We carried on for what felt like a hundred miles, just going through the motions. <i>Stroke, kick, stroke, kick, stroke, kick. </i>We seemed to have developed a pattern. We were getting the hand of the mundane motions we had come so accustomed to. </span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 21pt;">The funny thing about life is, when you think you’ve got it all figured out, and convince yourself you can tread water, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 21pt;">life sends you an honest reminder that you don’t control the direction of the sails. No one possesses that kind of power, the </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 21pt;">inflated ego has only blocked out any better judgment</span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke, kick, stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke, kick.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 12pt;">Eventually the legs grew tired, limbs lazy. The arms were forced to kick it in gear in order to stay afloat. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 12pt;">The arms got faster, strokes harder, determination stronger. The legs got weaker, descending now. If both forces were to go out, they would both drown. There was no sense behind that logic. The legs gave out, falling under water. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 12pt;">The arms kept going, pushing forward, trying to gain sight of the shore without use of the legs. </span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; text-indent: 21pt;">Stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke. </span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 12pt;">Without the help of the legs working in conjunction with the arms, the arms too grew tired. One cannot survive without the other. Instead, the parts submit themselves to larger forces of the ocean, giving in to the riptide. The individual forces were pulled further from the shore, further from the temporary bond of each other. The further away these forces became, the closer they got to becoming whole. </span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 21pt;">We were no good for each other. I think I knew it from the start, but I couldn</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 21pt;">’t have made it through the waves, without you working as part of me.</span></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I’m sorry I let you drown, but we were no good for each other. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I refuse to sink with you. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 12pt;">I’m sorry I let you drown. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Pretty Balanced Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08229184858498708366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-445855123236729588.post-6792560090102073302015-01-30T19:44:00.000-08:002015-01-30T19:57:12.613-08:00What if it Hurts?<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; font-weight: bold;">What if it Hurts?</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-weight: bold;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I call myself a writer, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">but I rarely pick up the pen. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">From time-to-time, my fingers </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">flirt with the keys of my </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">keyboard.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">The relationship never lasts long. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I call myself a lover, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">but I don</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">’t date often. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Once, with no expectations.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Twice, with hopeful eyes, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">then a dreadful good-bye.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Three times and it gets hard </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">to swallow the fact that</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">relationships don’t often last long. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I call myself a writer, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">but I rarely pick up the pen. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> I rarely tap into that place</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">deep in my soul </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">that houses the demons,</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> I fought so hard to bury. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">The things we deem unbearable, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">possessing the capability</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">to defeat us, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">are the things that get buried deep. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I, for one, am reluctant to </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">stir the dust, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">and bring the demons </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">to the surface.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">What if it hurts?</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">What if I can’t bear to </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">confront the beast </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">face-to-face?</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">What if he takes me down?</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">What if I lose?</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">What if it hurts?</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">So I don’t touch the pen.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Instead, I avoid it like the plague.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">As if the mere touch of it </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">would burn my skin, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">forcing me to live among the demons. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">What if it hurts?</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I call myself a lover, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">but I don’t date often. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I have to much to lose, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">because I’ll give it all. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I can’t love with half </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">of my heart, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">and sometimes I fall to soon.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I can’t stay guarded </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I have too much hope</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">that there is something beautiful</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">out there waiting for me. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I’ve fallen, and I’ve been burned. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I’ve loved, and I’ve lost. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I fought, and I lost. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I built guards, and I broke them down. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I put them back up, and took a step back.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">What if it hurts?</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Pretty Balanced Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08229184858498708366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-445855123236729588.post-70038176455503464932015-01-29T13:32:00.000-08:002015-01-29T21:24:17.707-08:00Dear Brianna<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><b>**A letter addressed to my younger self, from the future. </b></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b>To Brianna, age 9</b></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b>From Brianna, age 19**</b></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Dear Brianna, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I know you are young and impressionable. I know you think these years may be the hardest of your life, but you are still pure, unscathed from the harshness that presents itself in the real world. You are young, but aware of your standing on every matter in the world. You are stubborn, which contrary to the belief of your friends, family, and teachers, is not a bad thing. Protect yourself and guard your stubborn ways, like I am confident that you will. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">You were born with a voice for a reason, don't be scared to use it. Speak up and let your voice be heard. Don't let the world silence you, the fight to tune you out, is a fight that will never cease. Fight back.</span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"> You may choose to pretend like you have no fears, but I know that you do. You have many, and that to me is a beautiful thing. You must live in spite of these fears, and do what scares you the most. This is what initiates growth. Fear keeps you raw and vulnerable, fighting them makes you strong. You are a warrior in the making. Facing your fears is the only surefire way of not being afraid. </span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">So much time is spent focusing on what others think about you. Worrying about what others are doing, thinking, or saying is putting your life on hold, allowing others to live your life for you. As soon as you learn to let this go, your life begins. Take control of the reigns, and live life in whatever way makes you feel the most alive. Don't apologize for it, and make no attempt to validate your existence to anyone. What other people think of you is none of your business. Becoming preoccupied with these things will only create issues, that most of the time don't actually exist. Let it go.</span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Never seek validation from a man. When you live life unapologetically, the man of your dreams will come to you, and accept you the way you are. Don't conform, don't adapt, and don't settle, just be you. You are enough the way that you are right now. If the man doesn't acknowledge that, keep walking. </span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; text-indent: 21pt;">Don’t look over your shoulder. </span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="text-indent: 21pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="text-indent: 21pt;">Time is precious, but no matter how busy you think you are, always make time for your family. Call Nanny and Pop-Pop everyday and tell them about your day. They love to hear it. You are never too old to draw them pictures, or send them letters. No matter how old you are, they will always show off the pictures and letters you send them to their friends in the neighborhood and anybody who stops by for a visit. The smile on their face when they open a card addressed to them, from you, is something you will never forget. A phone that doesn't ring, is something you would only regret. They will not be here forever, but when they are gone one day, you are sure to miss them forever. Make the moments count while they are here. There is no turning back the clock. </span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 21pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 21pt;">You are young, and you are stubborn. You say things you don't mean to the people you love, and you fight with your family. Let go of the notion that your family members are your enemies. They are the only ones that will still be on your team, even if you disqualify yourself from the game. </span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
Life is too important to be taken seriously. This is something you will learn as the years go on, and the world grows colder. You aren't here for that long, have fun with it, and dwell on nothing.<br />
<br />
Be kind to yourself. The world is harsh, you don't have to be.</div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Dear Brianna, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I wish you would listen to me. I wish I could save you the time. I wish I could save you the </span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">heartache of having to learn these lessons the hard way. They are so simple, really. If only you</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"> would open your eyes and see it. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Dear Brianna, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">If only you weren’t so stubborn. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Dear Brianna, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">You’ll learn someday, the truths that were beside you all along. I wish you would take the </span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">shortcuts I have provided you. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Dear Brianna, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Although I was urged to, I took no shortcuts. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Dear Brianna, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 21.0000pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I learned the hard way, too. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Pretty Balanced Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08229184858498708366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-445855123236729588.post-7830850917435139072015-01-28T20:51:00.001-08:002015-01-28T20:51:57.867-08:00Write Yourself Alive<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It is no secret that I admire poet, Tyler Knott Gregson. He has created his own style in the genre of poetry, and brought attention back to the art. Tyler put together a 30 day writing course called 'Write Yourself Alive,' challenging writers to develop a 30 day writing routine to write themselves back to life, and out of their ruts. I feel so lucky to be taking part in this class, and I'm excited to see how the challenge plays out.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">As Ernest Hemingway so delicately said, "there's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed." While I've only used a typewriter once or twice in my life, I'm very familiar with the concept of bleeding ink. Writing is the only way I can allow myself to bleed all day without fear of death. I consider myself to be extremely lucky that I had never considered what I want to do for a living. My living found me by chance, and kept me alive.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Often times as writers, we are guilty of putting our craft on the back-burner, because the routine of every day life gets in the way. But, do we blame circumstance? or do we have ourselves to blame? One can't alter circumstance, but you can alter the way you respond to it. If you love to write, make the time to write. Whether that time is at 3 o'clock in the morning, or 3 o'clock in the afternoon when you're stuck in traffic. Do what you love. You owe it to yourself. You deserve to do the things that make you happy, and it's time you realize it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I call myself a writer. I write for HerCampus, our school paper, the Minaret, the Tampa Tribune, USATODAY College, and whatever other publications will accept me. However, when I am not doing that, I am a waiter. I have never once had a routine where I wrote every day. I no longer write for pleasure. The truth is, I'm terrified of my own love.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The one thing I think that holds me back the most from writing on a regular basis is my fear of feeling. Writing is a gateway drug to an endless array of emotions. Although you're in control of the movements the pen makes, you're not in control of what your heart feels, or where your mind goes as a result. I'm afraid of unveiling painful memories, confronting uncomfortable situations that I have successfully avoided for so long. I'm afraid of blacking out, having my mind shut down and abandon me, heading off to cower somewhere hard to find. It's happened before, and it's hard to escape. </span></div>
<div class="p0" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When I sit down at my desk to write, I feel overwhelmed. Where do I start? What do I write about first? The truth is, it is so easy to begin, all I need to do is sit down. Once i'm comfortable, one would physically have to pry my cramped and aching fingers from the reigns of my peanut butter stained keys.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm taking accountability for my delay in writing, and changing the pattern today. I'm excited for the challenge, and vow to write every day for 30 days, for at least an hour each day. I vow to be raw in my writing, and not be scared to go to those dark places, that I've protected and hid in the back of my mind. I vow to stop writing for other people, and start writing for myself, and remind myself of why I wanted to be a writer in the first place. I vow to stop waiting, and start writing. I vow to confront my fears head on, rather than run from them. I will stick with the uncomfortable feeling for as long as I can bear, then let it go, and move on. I vow to be fair to myself, and let myself create. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Let the bleeding begin... </span>Pretty Balanced Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08229184858498708366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-445855123236729588.post-4905670385816889662015-01-22T07:54:00.002-08:002015-01-22T07:58:20.469-08:00Leadership Exchange in Memphis, Tennessee<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"Average leaders raise the bar on themselves; good leaders raise the bar for others; great leaders inspire others to raise their own bar." <em>Orrin Woodward</em></blockquote>
I am firm in my belief that I am naturally shy and socially awkward by nature, and this is why I'm a writer. I speak at the wrong times, say things that aren't always funny, but people laugh anyway (with me, of course), and I stutter when I do so. But, I love people and I love helping them. <br />
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Here at the University of Tampa, we have amazing opportunities to volunteer through the P.E.A.C.E center. Although I have good intentions of going to these trips, I always tend to cancel, because I'm too scared to go. Just a few months ago, fate gave me the kick in the ass that I needed to step out of my comfort zone. <br />
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I was going to Memphis, Tennessee for a leadership exchange program to volunteer to help the homeless. <br />
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There was no way I was backing out of this one. I signed up alone, not knowing who would be on the trip, but I wasn't going to let that stop me. I thought to myself worst case scenario, if I didn't end up talking to anyone on this trip, at least I'd be in Tennessee, and how bad could that really be?<br />
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<i>4 A.M. wake up call. </i>That was ugly. Somehow, I was up at 3:15 making coffee. When we all met to leave, it was anything but awkward. I only knew two people on the trip, but we quickly bonded as a group.<br />
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When we landed in Memphis, the students from the University of Memphis participating in the leadership exchange were waiting for us at the airport. We would waste no time heading to our first stop. We were planning to help serve lunch at a local homeless shelter.<br />
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The first thing I noticed were how many people were at the shelter. Seeing so many people grateful for the chance to have a hot lunch in front of them slowed me down. So often I feel like eating is done on the go. I don't often sit down and enjoy a meal, and think about what I am eating. I am picky as hell, and I shouldn't be. I noticed the attitudes of the people whom we served. They were so grateful, so hopeful. Although it may have seemed like they had nothing, they acted as if they had everything. They had their faith, and that would suffice for the time being. The workers, too were so cheery. It made me smile to see people genuinely happy to do nice things for other people, and not expect anything in return. It is so easy to get caught up in the routine of daily life, and forget about helping other people. No matter how well off you may be, there will always be someone who could use your help. We need people to raise their voices for the voiceless and make a difference. No matter how small that difference may be, one small difference can initiate a snowball effect of improvement in the community.<br />
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One of our favorite visits was to Lifeline to Success, an organization that helps ex-convicts reenter society, and change society's perception about them. To do so, members of the 'blight patrol' work to beautify the community. We worked alongside them to clean up around the community. It was cool for us to be able to talk to members of the Blight Patrol. What we learned here is that this community writes off no one. Instead, various organizations work together to boost the community as a whole. We're all people, and people make mistakes, and that doesn't make us any different from one another. The people in Lifeline to Success are not bad people. They are people who faced bad circumstances, which should not define them forever. I am grateful to the members of Lifeline to Success for sharing their stories and their struggles with us, and opening their hearts and trusting us enough to let us into their hearts.<br />
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You can read more about our work with Lifeline to Success and University of Memphis <a href="http://wreg.com/2015/01/16/ex-convicts-and-college-students-work-together-to-beautify-neighborhood/">here</a>.<br />
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Something that is so important to me is ensuring our veterans have proper care when they return home from serving our country. I was thrilled to learn that Memphis has taken action to help our veterans readjust to society, and help them find housing, work, and provide them with the resources they need to adjust happily and comfortably. This organization is Alpha Omega. It was shocking to me to learn that 10% of our population is made up of homeless veterans. When returning home, those that serve for our country are never the same. It is our duty to ensure they have the safest, healthiest, and happiest transition back into society that they can. Alpha Omega ensures veterans will have a home, and counseling when they return.<br />
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You can learn more about their mission <a href="https://www.facebook.com/AlphaOmegaVeterans?pnref=story">here. </a> They are currently working on getting their following up to 10,000 on Facebook. If you know anyone who could potentially benefit from their services, please share this information. You never know, it can change a life.<br />
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For lack of better words, this trip has changed my life in more ways than one. We came together with the kids from University of Memphis as strangers to help strangers in a city that half of us adopted, but by the end of the week, grown to love. We quickly became one unit, connected by hope, love, and the desire to make an impact on this community.<br />
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Thank you to the kids at UM for giving us such a warm welcome, and being so eager to show us your beautiful city. Thank you for opening your rooms to us and letting us snore on your couches. Thank you for showing us all of the local spots that you like to visit. <span style="text-align: center;">We look forward to hosting University of Memphis at the University of Tampa in March and reconnecting with our family, and getting back to work on our end. </span><br />
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In terms of being a leader, I learned that you are never too small to make a difference. Sure we may be in college, but that doesn't mean we can't make an impact. If I were to write a check, I think I have about $0.25 in my bank account, but I've got a lot of love to give. We have time, and we have heart. Sometimes simply sitting with someone and talking to them like we're the same people can have a huge difference. If you're good at math, tutor kids in your community. If you like to be outside, clean up around your local school. Put in time, and expect nothing in return. There are still good people in the world willing to good things for nothing in return. Be one of those people. We are the future. We have the ability to change the course of the future, and if that's not powerful, I don't know what is. </div>
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Finally, I learned that your comfort zone is a lot wider than you think it is. The only one standing in your way is yourself and your incessant doubt. Stop doubting yourself! This life is too short not to be on your own team. The only way to know how things will turn out is to try. </div>
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This was the best part of everyday we were in Memphis. Never have I ever witnessed something so raw and so beautiful. At the end of the day, when I ran out of words to describe how I felt, the sky took the words right out of my mouth and arrayed it in a collection of bright, beautiful colors. I have hope for the future. </div>
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<br />Pretty Balanced Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08229184858498708366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-445855123236729588.post-62658561978568161662014-12-19T21:13:00.003-08:002014-12-19T21:13:44.158-08:00New Years are Weird Some things never change as the years pass. One thing that is always funny to me is how people begin the New Year. Often times people make too many promises to themselves before going into January that they believe will lead them to a "better life." That's fine and dandy, and I do admire that. There's nothing wrong with striving to be better. But, you should do so everyday. Not just on Mondays, and not just on January 1. Why wait out the whole year to do something deserving for yourself, when you have a fresh start each morning?<br />
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In retrospect, it scares the hell out of me that another year has slipped through my fingers. I never even made a New Year's Resolution... I'm still thinking. Don't get the wrong idea, I won't make one this year, either. I've been turned off the idea since I've proven time and time again my addiction to diet soda is bigger than myself.<br />
<br />Resolutions can be fun. It presents you with a challenge, and sometimes the opportunity to work out an internal conflict. However, they are not for me, and never have been. Put simply, I am the biggest loser of resolutions. I simply can't keep them.<br />
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One year, I swore up and down, left to right, and on every grave in the state of New York that I would speak like a lady all year. No cursing. No exaggeration, five seconds after the ball dropped, I went to hug my mom and she spilled champagne all over my lap.<br />
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"What the fuck," I complained.<br />
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So much for that. Now that that's soiled I can just sail away with my sailor's mouth for 364 more days until I can try again.<br />
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If resolutions are your forte, power to you. However, there are a few rules to keep in mind:<br />
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<i>1. Be realistic</i><b>- </b>stick with one goal to seriously work with throughout the year. "Get a promotion," "Gather the courage to finally ask for a raise." It is highly unlikely that you're going to "never eat Taco Bell as long as you live," "never drink another soda in your life," or "go to the gym three times a day, five days a week." (However, if this was your resolution, maybe wait until February when everyone who has this resolution cancels their membership. It'll be less crowded.)<br />
<i>2. Be fair to yourself</i><b>- </b>this is why I say pick one! It is easy for an unfulfilled goal to lead to disappointment, having ten may get messy. There can only be one Taylor Swift.<br />
<i>**3. If you're going to set any kind of resolution, don't start making a years worth of mistakes at midnight! The urban myth that "the new year resolution" kicks in as soon as you wake up is full of shit. Behave yourself. </i><br />
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At the end of the year, I like to reflect on the year passed, and make some goals (not resolutions) for the future. My goals could be considered more of bucket list items that I hope to achieve within the year. The difference is a longer deadline, and it's not something I have to work on everyday.<br />
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<b><u>A few promises for 2015...</u></b><br />
-I will still drink enough diet soda to potentially harm my health 40 years down the road, but I'll worry about that if and when that time comes<br />
-I will curse at my leisure. I'm a journalist, it will happen. A lot. Besides, I always wanted to be a sailor.<br />
-I will not work out five days a week. If I go to the gym twice in a week, it's a miracle.<br />
-I will still steal my sister's close every time the opportunity prevents itself (Sorry, Al.)<br />
-I will still date losers, bad boys, and rednecks my mom won't approve of.<br />
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<b><u>Goals:</u></b><br />
-Publish more articles<br />
-Get a paid reporting internship for the summer<br />
-Stay in Tampa for more than two weeks when I'm not in school (make a home base).<br />
-Talk more when it's important, and less when it's not.<br />
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<br />Pretty Balanced Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08229184858498708366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-445855123236729588.post-76326301697155151092014-12-16T22:12:00.000-08:002014-12-17T07:25:32.502-08:00Secret RomanticI did everything I possibly could to save the remnants of a relationship that was never there. Anyone who knows me will say I'm not much of a dater. I'm not yet sure whether this is an entirely conscious choice: my heart building shields of steel around its perimeter to defend itself from its past muddy history, or simply an unconscious rebellion against societal beliefs, which are dangerously skewed. However, when I have my heart set, I never stop fighting for what it wants. No matter how impossible it may seem in our day: with rap music encouraging promiscuous behavior and shaming monogamous relationships, I wholeheartedly believe in the sanctity of love. Love is a beautiful and rare thing, which is why when it exists, the feeling should be appreciated, cherished. At the same time, love should be easy. This is something that cannot be forced and cannot be feigned. I never understood the concept of "couples therapy." You are willing to spend thousands of dollars to talk to a stranger about your frustrations how another person isn't loving you the right way? Isn't it cheaper to accept the fact that maybe, just maybe, you were never right for each other in the first place?<br />
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I don't date often. Not so much that I don't enjoy dating, I do. More often than not, it just doesn't go as planned for me and my heart is left battered. I'm not much of a dater, but I'm a closeted hopeless romantic. I say closeted, because in the society we were raised in, yes, it's seemingly embarrassing. I don't utter the word often. Yes, I have a wild spirit, but I have a calm heart. If I promise it to you, it's yours and only yours, until circumstance demands otherwise.<br />
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I wonder: why is it in our society that the idea of romance is so off-putting? The simple act of proving you care for another person in ways greater than 140 characters? Gross!<br />
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Surprises are my favorite. I don't know how I know this on a count of I have never been surprised, but I imagine it would be great. Just once to not have a set plan, just go out on a whim, and have someone tell me they'll pick me up in five minutes, and we'll figure it out from there. That will probably never happen. This is a high paced world we're living in. People want to know that their time won't be wasted. They want to know where they're going, they want a signed and notarized contract from Google maps on where the place is, they want to know how long they can expect to be there, who else will be in proximity. Everything is pre-determined. God forbid something wonderful happened. Something spontaneous. Let your guard down. Allow yourself to live, and deviate from the plan you so eloquently developed for yourself. Everyone has a plan for themselves, what are the chances the numbers in your plan systematically match up with another person's plan? Let it go.<br />
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I get it, though. This world is tough. Barriers are built, steel walls with alligator-filled moats surround your heart to protect the chance that God forbid you fall in love and something beautiful happens. Why do we do this? We want promises. We fear the unknown, and we fear rejection. If you never jump, you can never fall. In the same breath, if you never fall, you can never heal.<br />
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Another thing I never understood is why people let a day dictate when they're going to show love for someone they love? I don't want your flowers on Valentine's day. I want them on February 1st, or November 10. I don't want to be waiting in the doorway, tapping my foot with my hand out. I don't want to expect anything. Don't buy me gifts for Christmas that I needed in October. Be nice, because you want to, not because the florist told you to, and you couldn't pass up a 2-for-1 deal getting flowers for your mother and me in one shot.<br />
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<b>What can we do to bring it back?:</b><br />
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<li>First things first, stop playing games. If you have feelings for someone, let them know. Don't analyze how long you should wait before texting back, how often you should be busy, etc. Text back when you open the message, and see them as often as you're free. </li>
<li>Drop the plans. Instead of "do you want to hang out?" and "what do you want to do?," try "I'll pick you up in ten minutes for dinner." </li>
<li>Drop the notion that everything is about money. Not everyone is after your below-average pay check. Get over yourself. Go for a walk on the beach, go hiking, rent a movie, it's simply about being together.</li>
<li>Forget dates. Yes, I said that. Giving flowers on Valentine's day is super cheesy. Try giving flowers when it's least expected or when you feel someone needs them. The gesture will go better appreciated. </li>
<li>If there's a problem, talk about it. People can't read minds, therefore aren't going to always understand when and why you're upset. Life is too short to leave words unsaid, the only person you're harming is yourself. Holding grudges causes wrinkles. Open up, and let things go [within reason]. </li>
<li>Relationships are a mutual effort. If one person is pulling all of the weight and making all of the sacrifices, there is an unbalance that needs to be worked out, in order to avoid tension later on. </li>
<li>Relationships should be easy. If you often spend a lot of time fighting, making it feel like a chore to talk to one another, it's time to cut the line. Enough of this notion that you "invested so much time," blah, blah, blah. If you're more miserable than you are happy, it might be time to throw in the towel. You'll start to breathe easier. </li>
<li>Stop the crazy. Trust is essential. No snooping. </li>
<li>Be loyal. Face reality. Cheating on your significant other will not turn you into Leonardo Dicaprio, or Kim Kardashian. Cheating makes you an asshole. That's a fact. </li>
<li>Break down those walls, let the alligators loose and fill in that moat. Open up your heart. It could be as simple as that.</li>
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<br />Pretty Balanced Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08229184858498708366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-445855123236729588.post-60258408024935706032014-11-16T17:29:00.000-08:002014-11-16T17:29:24.507-08:00Falling in Love With Beautiful Little NothingsI never wanted to be one of those kids who took things for granted. My mom, dad, Nanny and pop pop have always reminded me to be grateful for the small things in life. I’ve grown to appreciate that those beautiful little nothings mean everything in the long run. Those are the things you’ll remember ten years from now. Those little nothings are the basis of all your future stories. Open your eyes wider to those nothings and learn to love them now, rather than ten years from now.<br />
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I say that I’m grateful all of the time, but when asked on the spot to pinpoint those very things, I’m dumbfounded. The truth is, there are far too many things that I am grateful for to simply put in a single list. I am grateful everyday that I wake up, thankful for another day. It wasn’t always this way. Anyone who knows me probably knows by now that I suffer from depression. It comes and goes as it pleases and more often than not overstays its welcome each and every time. When these demons are with me, I fold. You remember when as a kid you used to see how many times you can fold a piece of paper, before it wouldn’t go anymore? That’s kind of like life with depression is like. Each day, another thing becomes a little less enjoyable to you. All of the things that used to excite you become “eh,” until you fold into nothing. You can’t bend anymore.<em> Numb</em>. <br />
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Each time I come out of a bout of depression, I have a new found appreciation for life, and I fall in love with it all over again. I appreciate each day I have where my brain is clear of these demons and I take advantage of feeling alive and well. I used to love to tell my nanny that I was bored. Each time she would tell me, “you’re too young to be bored.”
I never understood what she meant. I didn’t know boredom had an age limit. What I think she meant was that there is so much in this life that I haven’t seen or experienced yet, how can I possibly be bored? As usual, she was right. I am never bored. I am always exploring. That’s what we all came to do. <br />
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The more I thought about it, the more I was at a loss. There’s so many, but when someone is looking for an immediate response, all I could seem to mutter was, “uhhh... Family.” The more I thought on it, the more I realized I am grateful for so many small things that make up the bigger picture of my life:
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-Although my circle is small, it is tight. I have a strong bond with every one of my friends and family members. Although we are often far apart, we find ways to manage to talk every day.
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-My mom doesn’t get mad when I call her eight times in a day, to tell her every thought that popped into my head for the day. Distance makes the heart grow patient, I guess?
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-I can always count on my dad to answer the phone mid-day, when I just need someone to listen to me rant about my day. </em><br />
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-My sister is patient with me when I ask her a thousand silly questions about the way life works. It’s a mutual understanding that older sisters are supposed to show the younger ones the ropes. </em><br />
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-Having friends who feel comfortable enough to walk in my room without knocking.
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-Having friends who refer to your mother as “mom.”
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-Having friends who come to your house and walk to the refrigerator, before saying anything else.
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<em>-Being a “human sponge,” I soak up every lesson that people have experienced around me, learning from their mistakes, and growing by observation.
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-Every bad person who has waltzed through my life. I hold no grudges, however I am thankful for all that you taught me about patience, forgiveness, and life. Only few, but you have all helped me grow tremendously. </em><br />
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-The feeling you get on rainy days, where you feel like it’s perfectly acceptable to stay in your pajamas all day and have a movie marathon with your dog. </em><br />
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-No matter how long I am away at school, my dog is always excited to see me when I come back home. </em><br />
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-Being a writer and being able to sympathize and connect with all different kinds of people on a deeper level. </em><br />
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-As a writer, feeling every emotion ten times stronger than anyone else.
-All of the opportunities I have gotten through my school. Including: interning with CollegeFashionista, USA TODAY College, and Tampa Tribune, meeting my friends, and getting to travel to Memphis for a leadership program.
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<em>-The ability to see/ hear. As a writer, this is so essential for me, and something I think many people take for granted.
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-Good health so I can bike, hike, run and box as I please.
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-All of my english teachers who have helped me better my craft throughout the year.
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-Support. When someone tells me that they read something I’ve written whether it be a blog, poem, or an article- it means the world to me, because I bleed into everything I write. </em><br />
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-Being free. I have a wandering soul. I am lucky to have the freedom to study whatever I want, wherever I want. After school, I have the freedom to pursue any career I want and settle down in any state that I’d like, with whomever I choose. This is perhaps what I’m most grateful for.</em>Pretty Balanced Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08229184858498708366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-445855123236729588.post-59618969663334928672014-11-06T18:24:00.003-08:002014-11-06T18:24:42.365-08:00Love more, not less. Love fully, not conditionally.I’ve been thinking about love a lot lately. Although I may appear to have a tough exterior, I am a total sucker for love. I think it’s a beautiful thing that the world seems to be lacking right now, and I am fascinated by the concept. What do I mean by “concept?” Love is one of those terms that there is no set definition, you can define it however you please. What is considered love to you, may not feel like love at all to the person next to you. Each person has their own set definition, each relationship has its own definition, and each person has their own philosophy when it comes to love.
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Anyone who knows me knows that I swim in the beautiful words of Tyler Knott Greggson. Never before have I read anything quite like his poems. He has an incredible knack for making big things out of little nothings, and finding hope in what may seem to some like the darkest places. While he does receive criticism for always writing on love, he stands true to his belief: this world needs more love. Love more, not less. Love fully, not conditionally.
I am always interested to see how love changes over generations, over years, and witnessing its different forms within different people.
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After writing about the love between my Nanny and Pop Pop for Creative Writing, and a bad experience I had when love went awry for my Feature Writing class, I got to thinking about my own philosophy on love. I thought, if i’m still single, it must not be very good. But, after giving it some thought, I reconsidered. It just means that I’m not willing to settle for a love, just because I may be lonely. I’m abundant with love, it’s all around me. <br />
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It was the wise words of Marco from Starting Over Again that solidified my philosophy on love: “I can never unlove you. I’ll just love you in a different way now.”
I think this is beautiful and so absolutely true. So many people when a relationship ends, tries to convince themselves that they hate the other person. When in reality, if you’ve felt love for them once, you will always feel love for them, it will just take different form. <br />
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For me, I have felt what I consider real love for a man twice in my life. Although they may not be in my life now as much as they used to be and things didn’t work out like we had planned, that doesn’t change how I feel about them. I fell in love, because they were great people, who I enjoyed being around. Just because things did not go to plan, doesn’t mean they’re not still great people. Just because things didn’t work out doesn’t mean I hate them. I will always wish them the best and I will always hope they have happiness in their lives and do great things. My love has just taken a different form. <br />
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When I fall in love, I fall in love wholeheartedly and purely. My love is pure, I want nothing in return from you. I don’t ask that you give me gifts, you give me surprises or anything of that manner. I don’t even ask that you love me in the same way that I love you. My love doesn’t come with terms and conditions. You can’t help who you fall in love with.
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<em>What is your philosophy?</em>Pretty Balanced Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08229184858498708366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-445855123236729588.post-69435106432259293072014-09-27T17:51:00.001-07:002014-09-27T17:51:12.795-07:00The Beast The scenario has grown all too familiar. I start to feel strange, almost out-of-body. I don't want to write, do I even like to write? I question. I don't want to go to class, why did I choose them this semester? I always chose the wrong ones, I blamed myself. I don't want to get out of bed. Why would I? The room is cold, my blankets are warm, and right now I'm wrapped tight like a cocoon, and as far as I'm concerned no negativity will bleed through this blanket. That may be because it's already all inside my head.<br />
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"The beast is back," I warn myself. My dukes are up, and once again I'm ready to fight. I've had my fists up on three separate occasions now, this routine has become a part of me. <br />
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As much as I try to fight it, and as much as I am confident that at certain times I can "beat the beast," I am also confident this is a darkness I will be plagued with my entire life. They try to tell you that your depression is not you, and you are not your depression, but they're wrong. Depression is me, and I am my depression. I have accepted that. I cannot recall of a time where I was not fighting the beast, so I'm convinced he's always lived inside of me. <br />
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My first bout of depression was when I was eight years old. The beast consumed me for two weeks, before I could shake my wrists from his blood clotting grip. Eleven years later, onto my most recent bout, lasted nine months, and was no doubt the scariest time of my entire life. I was convinced that I had become the beast. I wanted my life back. I wanted my mind back. I wanted the sound of my laugh back. I wanted the light back. <br />
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This is part of the reason I am so proud to have the waves tattooed on me. It serves as a constant reminder that the waves will come, and they will go, but they will be ever-present. A threat lurking in the shadows, waiting to make a return. Will this be the time they finally take me out? Send me tumbling back to shore, with no chance of coming up for air? Maybe, but I'll be ready to put up the fight of my life upon every single return. And that's why I can't dwell on the beast. I love the fight. It presents a challenge on my strength, and I have the opportunity to prove myself to the bastard every single time.<br />
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I've said it before, and I will say it again without shame, I owe my life to my best friends for having incredible levels of patience with me as I found myself again. My mom is an angel. No matter how many times I start to fall, she is always there with open arms, ready and willing to push me back up. She ensures I never sink or hit the ground, and I am (sometimes) thankful for that. <br />
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"I guess life is a bit like the roulette wheel- we all take our chances and it seems like most everyone lands on a bad place sooner or later."<br />
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So I got dealt a shitty hand. I can't dwell on that, because I can't trade them in, nor would I want to. This is my life, and I can't take it for granted, because I had to fight like hell for it. <br />
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For now, welcome back beast, this time you're not allowed to over-stay your welcome. <br />
Pretty Balanced Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08229184858498708366noreply@blogger.com0